Month: February 2017

Todays Results

1s draw 0-0 at top of the table EBOG. Our GK Siri made some outstanding saves but fair result.

2s had no fixture.

3s post a great win at Old Parks 3-2 .

4s went down 3-0 to Old Wilsonians.

5s, 6s and 7s all had home games and got postponed due to pitch condition or opposition not able to field a side.

5s vs HSBC 7s

It’s great when plans come together. Fresh off the back of a chastening 9-2 defeat to Polytechnics, (or rather, unfresh, because it was two weeks since Merton 5s last played), 5s realised they need to step up a gear if they were to mount a serious promotion challenge. So it was back to the training ground for the team as they sought to find a way to improve.

The group chat was buzzing with suggestions on how this could be achieved – in between videos of bestiality and what-not, which seems to get the team talking more than y’know, actual football – but Andy had a master plan. The idea was simple – create angles to play the ball out. Two weeks without football helped because as soon as 5s entered the pitch against HSBC, they started moving the ball about with great confidence. Actually, the pitch was superb condition, much to the fears of some who thought it may fall prey to the elements, and that made it conducive to the way the team wanted to pass the ball. The team that Clive selected also backed that up. In came Anam, mainly on a technicality because star man, Andy Bitmead, arrived late. He started in the centre alongside Tiago and Clive, whilst the other crucial change to the usual line-up was Thomas Reid, who replaced Josh at left-back.

In any case, Merton 5s were quick to establish their authority but would take the lead once Anam mysteriously pulled up with an injury. But before we talk about that, let’s mention the highlights in his unforgettable 15 minute cameo. First, he played a superb ball over the top to Dulanie, who was caught offside, which should have been the sign of things to come. Still, the vision was surely appreciated and indeed, at times, it seems as if his boot has a mind of its own such is his vision. Instead, the ref turned around and went purple, berating both sides for moaning about the offside calls – which already were growing in number. He probably didn’t get the memo that Dulanie was born offside. Anam then played in Darren with a Ronaldo-like turn at the edge of the box, which the goalkeeper turned away.

From the resulting corner, that’s where the game turned as Anam twisted his ankle trying to offer himself for the short pass. Still, that sort of thinking underlines his opportunism and why he should start more. On came Andy, and he proceeded to grab the game by the scuff of the neck. Literally, because running into the box past two players, he was dragged back by one before eventually, he was tripped in the area. He got up, brushed himself down and, putting aside the memory of his penalty miss against Poly 8s, smashed the shot down the middle. 1-0 to Merton.

And it wasn’t long until Merton doubled their lead, this time again a penalty, won by Aaron Byrne, who fell down like a wounded gazelle (Darren’s words. I would say he fell down more like a gazelle that’s been hurled to the ground from a speeding helicopter). The penalty, like Andy’s, went down the centre.

Merton were playing some great stuff when the half-time whistle went, with the one of the other subs, Aaron Ackerman, delivering some delightful passes. Indeed, it was his cross in the second-half that created the third goal, a header by Dulainie, beating the keeper to a high-ball. That signalled the end of Ds involvement – happy his sole goal, though it took him half-a-dozen shots to yield that one. Chances included a trademark crossfield pass from Dwayne to Dulainie saw him shoot one volley over, along with a number of identical one-on-one attempts.

Andy, though, was the key man, and for the fourth goal, delivered the moment of the match, breaking forward from midfield then nonchalantly chipping over the goalkeeper. His hattrick, was nearly as majestic, again breaking from midfield, and this time, opting to poke the ball past the goalkeeper. He could have passed the ball square to Aaron B, but understandably decided against it. Not long before, Aaron Byrne had a similar chance when he tried to place the ball to the bottom corner, but telegraphed the shot to the bottom corner.

Indeed, Aaron had a great game, dribbling at the defence, and he ended up finishing the game up front in a sort-of false-9 role. Actually, that might be kind because he was drawing a lot of stick from Dulanie from the sidelines for moving away from goal instead of towards it. In any case, the whole team performance was great, as they followed Andy’s game plan to a tee. Delman was deadly when broke forward, also having one goal strangely disallowed; whilst Tom on the other side was disciplined and tenacious – sort of like a frail James Milner. Tiago was snappy in the centre, whilst Clive provided a good foil for Andy breaking forward. Dwayne also did his best to fill in two positions at once, teleporting from left-wing to left-back instantly like a footballing-Nightcrawler – but with worse hair.

Word should also go to all three centre-backs who were solid – Lee included, who needs to have a word with himself to stop breaking forward from the back – and Sam “Safe-Hands” Singer-Ripley, who rescued the team on three occasions – though sometimes, it seems as if he likes to put the team in trouble before saving them, just so he can brag about it afterwards. It’s a shame he doesn’t apply those skills to the tinder-dates who he inevitably friend-zones.

Anyway, it was a complete team performance from Merton 5s, who in the end were indebted to Andy Bitmead, in more ways than one.

Team (4-3-3): Sam – Delman, Steve B, Darren, Thomas – Anam, Tiago, Clive – Dwayne, Dulanie, Aaron B.

Subs: Lee, Aaron A, Andy.

Goals 5-0: Andy x3, Aaron B, Dulanie

Man of the Match: Officially a tie between Aaron B and Andy, mainly because most people were tired it’s always going to Andy. I thought Tom did well, however.

Dick of the Day: Nobody, though we were treated to NLT once again. However, Delman wasn’t keen on seeing the uncircumcised glory, so he ran out of the dressing room quicker than he breaks forward from right-back. The ref, though, probably deserves it for having a meltdown on the pitch.

There were no late goals which we lost by, no last minute pull outs, noone called Joe (with or without beard) in the team and we WON, so you’d be excused if you are unsure if this really is a 3s match report. But it is!! And we won a game!!!

As DOTD for non football related issues I felt aggrieved at receiving this weeks vote. However as I sat down to write this report, I felt myself enjoying being able to report on a result which has been long overdue but more importantly completely deserved!
A wrong postcode given to Darcie to my own house wrapped up the DOTD nominations pretty convincingly although both Andy (power shot towards our goal) and Jordan (unforgivable foul throw) had some mentions during the voting process.
Hard rock was the official music of choice and Mustard took this literally during the morning’s bean ritual…  the hard theme filtered through to the physical and mental attitude the team took into the game……
With a good warm up and the knowledge that we have been producing some really good football in 2017 we were ready for action.
The pitch was in good condition albeit a bit lopsided but the sun was low and was cause of concern.
We sent Mustard up to the toss with a clear instruction to shoot away from the Sun which he immediately failed to deliver and we were switched round.
Starting with a 4-5-1 formation we tried to get our passing game going putting together some real good passages of play. We identified that the flanks were an area we could exploit early on and Glenn and Andy along with the full backs provided excellent out balls with Glenn in particular getting in behind their defence on a number of occasions.
We pushed for an opening goal and apart from a brief 10 minutes where Vincenzo got done then faked an injury, asked to be subbed then quickly recovered from the embarrassment and was fine again….. we were looking very strong playing nice expansive football. A number of half chances came and went with Darcie somehow managing to head over from all but 2 yards.
0-0 at half time but we were on top and our first half performance meant that we knew the content of the half time talk. It was no different from the usual ……
“Well done lads”
“We can go on to win this”
“They are there for the taking”
“We have been here before”

Then a more in depth analysis from Fitz with his note pad which was a welcome change from the normal cliche crap we all say every week followed by Welchie repeating everything Fitz said! We were pumped!

We dominated the second half from start to finish and pushed immediately to get the important goal. With the Sun causing their defence problems(well done Mustard for losing the toss) we pushed on and grew in confidence.

The first goal was a thing of beauty… possibly the best team goal of the season.

Starting with a tactical substitution to put two up front with Mustard making way for Chris Papps. The ball broke down in with our left back, Jordan ‘Lad’ played it neatly into the middle then it was sprayed across to the right back, Dan pinged a peach of a ball 40/50 yards into Glenn who found space behind their defence. Their goalkeeper decided he was Neuer and tried to steam out being pipped to the ball by Glenn who sent back across the box for Papp’s second touch of the game and it couldn’t have been an easier finish. 1-0!

They responded with a bit of pressure resulting in some strong defending(fouling) and some good saves from our ever reliable Dan. We held strong and stuck to our passing game.
By this time Ricardo was annoying them and biting at ankles and we were looking comfortable.

A free kick just outside the box had Glenn’s name all over it and he stepped up and delivered a bit of a worldie/keeper should’ve done better free kick.

2-0!!! And now the party started… the lads on the side were cheering every pass, tackle, shot and anything else which helped push the guys on!

The defence done a great job keeping a clean sheet with some good old fashioned tackling going in proving we really work hard for each other!
This resulted in a bit of a scuffle as Wilsons became more frustrated. A bit of handbags after a very very soft tackle in the middle(still not sure it was a foul) was uncalled for but to be honest the ref missed a few on Saturday which could’ve resulted in the book coming out, A UFC move was put on Mustard during the first half resulting in a calm down chat to the oppo captain. Don’t worry mustard I got him for you!
It all blew over pretty quickly and we saw the game out comfortably.

The whistle went, it felt like
We won a cup, we celebrated like the happiest relegated team in history of football and enjoyed every minute of it…..
The boars now march on to somehow complete the greatest relegation escape ever. It’s not in our hands but we can do our bit in this league still!
If we play like we have been and get the luck which is due we can escape!! However much more importantly …. it is about keeping the amazing spirit we have alive and enjoying our time together! It’s strange that I have enjoyed this season so much considering the results but it’s been a good craic and one that isn’t finished yet!

MOM; Jordan
DOTD; Darcie for talking too much! Ok not really Neal D (again)!

One step beyond!!!!!! Da da daaaaa da da da da da!!!!