****Warning, the below report is offensive to the eyes****
As little can be said about this result, the better, but I will give you a brief rundown of events:
Match Stats brought to you by Ricki’s Dog.

                        Merton / Old Blues

Goals Scored.        1 / 2
Shots on target.      1 / 2
Shots off target.     68 / 0
Corners.                   27 / 1
Penalties missed.      2 / 0
Open goals missed.  1 / 0

With FA cup fever in the air, Merton heading to their home away from home, Wimbledon Common Extensions. Opposition were Old Blues 3’s who were looking for their 1st win this year, and all season come to think about it…
Mood in the camp was good, even after the 30min pitch inspection.
No sounds system bangers in the changing room was, in hindsight a fatally flaw in proceedings, so with DJ Pap’s on the “1’s n 2’s”, Merton got ready to commence battle.
The game started, much as the Chelsea vs MK Dons game did, with Merton having all of the possession and knocking the ball around nicely. Like Chelsea, Merton could have been 9.0 by half time, but that’s where the similarities stop.
Instead Merton were only 1.0 up, thanks to Darcy, with the only shot on target that half.
(In fairness, Merton hit the post and the cross bar twice, but as the saying goes, almost doesn’t count).
Half time brought some reassuring words from ‘el Capitano’. Complacency needed to be thrown out of the window and we needed to start punishing them. Tactically we singled out there right back (who couldn’t actually kick the ball) as the weakest link…just.
New goalkeeper signing Besty aka ‘Beasty’ wondered what he had let himself in for. 45min on a muddy pitch, in the wind and rain and he hadn’t touched the ball yet.
So the 2nd half started, much like the 1st with Merton dominating and missing the target. A rare attack saw Old Blues get there first corner of the game.
I’m not sure what happened, maybe Merton forgot what an opposing corner looked like, but needless to say, the deadly right back who struggled with his feet, lost his marker and headed home a good goal.
Beasty 1st touch for his new found club was getting the ball out of his own net…
Old Blues had the wind in their sails now and the pressure was on.
Now Merton had 2 choices, BOAR up and be counted or fall to pieces.
After a sticky start since conceding the goal, Merton started to find their way again.
Some lovely football set Donno through clear on goal. After beating the keeper, and with only an open goal in front of him, dear Dave wanted to make life interesting for his team mates.
Maybe he was thinking of his celebration already, or maybe the curse of being ‘Dick of the Day’ last week caught up with him, anyway, he knocked it wide.
Never the less, Merton continued to push and miss the target. Then, out of nowhere, Old Blues goal keeper came steaming out and took out a Merton player inside the box. Clear pen.
Was Merton luck about to change???
This time, it was the turn for another Dave to step up and be counted (despite not being penalty taker and refusing to give it up to the inform, deadly striker Darcy 😉
The Old Blues keeper, who had asked to borrow a pair of goalkeeper gloves before the game, took his spot on the line. Dave stepped up, gave the keeper the eye and hit it straight at him.
Old Blues players started celebrating by doing the GangMan style dance around the Ref. Si (the Ref) was having none of it and ordered a retake.
In screens, which have never before been seen, the keeper proceeded to save the 2nd pen. One of the fans went on record saying “Unbelievable Jeff”.
With Merton not put off by these remarkable series of events, they continued to look for the 2nd goal.
Merton won their 27th corner of the game.
(Apologies again for not knowing entirely what happened here, but it looked like something that I have not seen since year 6 at primary school, playing football in the playground). So Merton take the corner, Old Blues get the ball and score to make it 1.2 to the visitors.
New boy Beasty gets his 2nd touch of the game, again picking the ball out the net.
(Beasty did make a save 1st, but the story sounds better my way!).
Merton tried in vain to find an equaliser, with more way ward shooting.
Old Blues didn’t make it easy for Merton, by making substitutes every time the ball went out of play for the last 10min of the game.  
In the end, it was a very sobering defeat for Merton.
Old Blues players have never been so happy, and in the scenes that followed, I genuine thought they had won the FA cup, Champagne was being sprayed, wives and kids were on the pitch, it was pandemonium.  
BOARS need to take a long hard look at themselves in the water hole and learn how to shot (on target).
“Merton are still looking for their 1st win of 2016… Pressure is growing on the board to take action and bring in Jose Mourinho… ” (The Sunday Sport Supplement in the Merton times dated 31.1.16).  

Man of the Match: Darcy, closely followed by the rule setter Neil.

Dick of the Dave: Dave, closely followed by… you guessed it, Dave D.

Ben Yates

Posted in Match Reports 3s