Merton 5s 3 – 1 Old Blues 4s – I’m getting board of losing (Warning: This match report has been rated PG. May contain some innuendos) The result and performance against South Wank the previous week as well as the semi-final were both outrageously poor, and coming into this game we knew that another loss and poor performance would only risk our season descending into nothingness. We still arrived in decent spirits, albeit you could mistake our pre-match preparation for a little too much lethargy! With Dobson managing to smash the ball in his own face whilst going for goal in the warm up (only twice) and Clive the Seal trying to juggle 2 balls at once, missing one and getting megged by the other (that’s a pound), the concentration levels were not at their highest. In swooped Ackerz, with his tough talkin’ geezer like attitude and, crucially, his board. In a not too socially distant way, we gathered around as he went through the tactics and where on the pitch he wanted us. There were arrows flinging about, interchanges being discussed, shuffling about and covering arrangements but at its core, a simple instruction of “I want you four to attack, and you six to defend”. And with that, the four attackers started attacking them from the off! It paid dividends very early on when Dwayne picked up the ball in the centre and saw the run of Bitmead. Unscuffed this week, he played a through ball which Bitmead ran onto. With plenty of time, he calmly slotted the ball past the keeper to make it 1-0. Confidently, we went all dominatrix on them and asserted ourself on the game (no lude connotations intended). Dulanjie had a great opportunity to slap us even further ahead. A great ball over the top found this match reporter on the left, who took it down and tried to spin (emphasis on the ‘tried’). Once circled round like a freight train (maybe I should get one of those annoying lorry bleepy things that tells you when it’s turning left or right) the opportunity to shoot had closed. So unselfishly (take note Bitgreed!) laid it back to Dulanjie. He slapped the ball with some sort of appendage – he says right leg but it can often be difficult to tell – and was heading for the far corner. The keeper pulled off a worldie of a save, and fair play to him. Unlucky. In dominatrix school I imagine that the instruction is to not let up when you get on top, but just keep riding, and that’s what we did. Between this match reporter and Bitmead we had an abundance of efforts and I can’t remember what way round it went! One of Scotty’s huge, long balls flew in my general direction with pinpoint accuracy. I took a touch which made the angle tighter and trying to smash it into the roof of the net, I missed it quite substantially. Then (I think) this match reporter picked the ball up a few minutes later and slipped one through to BItmead. With no other option he smashed it with his left, although a little too close to the keeper. Shortly after that (I think) Pete picked up the ball in the middle, and chipped it through. Controlling it on my shoulder, again taking me wider of the target, I again smashed the ball over on the half volley. Then (I think) the ball went to Bitgreed in the middle. 20-30 yards from goal, he declined the option to play it through (of course) to take the shot on. It sailed unusually wide from the target. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, we managed to score a very good goal. The ball got worked up through the channels and midfield like we were Barcelona – but the good Barcelona, not the terrible one from this season. It went to Peteiesta who played an inch perfect through ball. Lionel Bitti then rounded the keeper and cooly, calmly and arrogantly rolled it in from a tight angle to make it 2-0. Wonderful, beautiful, and I can only imagine Ackerz’ excitement from the side as we cruised into a 2-0 victory. Even Scotty B was then trying to get in on the act! A corner from Bitmead managed to evade everyone and get through to the back post. Stretching, Scott poked a toe at it and got enough power to send it bobbling towards goal. Unfortunately their defender on the line just about managed to sort his feet out and scramble the ball away. It started to feel like it might not be our luckiest of days when we did get out third breakthrough. A huge boot up from George looked innocent enough. Unfortunately for them though, the chuckle brothers in defence couldn’t make their minds up. “To you”, said one to another with his eyes, responded to by a “to you” from the other. “To me, thank you very much” said Bitmead as he pinched it on the other side of the defence and ran through on goal. He poked it past the keeper for 3-0. A Bittrick! The only blight in the first half was one mix up I. Defence where we failed to shuffle to fill a gap. They had some rare time in midfield and found the man who ran through. Like a racehorse our the traps, George moved to close him down. He smothered the effort and we just about managed to clear it up. Perhaps unrealistic to expect we would get through a whole half without conceding a chance but good of us to give George something to do!! “What the fudge” said the gaffer at half time (albeit a different word – this is a mostly family friendly match report). “You’re doing what I asked!” It must be a rather new feeling as we haven’t really been doing so I. Preseason or last week. I blame the board! A particular moment which erected Ackerz’ appreciation was the nonchalant bodying off the ball that D did to regain control, the poor little fella! The instruction was more of the same in the second half. 3-0 up and actually it wouldn’t have been an inaccurate representation if we would have been 8 or 9 up. And more of the same it could not be, as the wind had turned against us (I imagine doninatrix school probably doesn’t account for wind). So we turned from a free-flowing good-Barcelona esque performance to more of a Steve Bruce’s Newcastle – gritty and playing on the counter. In fairness our midfield kept their attacks mostly at bay and when they did get through, Scott actually had stuff to do defensively. We continued to get into decent positions offensively with slightly less regularity than the second half, but did not make the most of them which culminated in a very wild effort of a cross by this match reporter at the end of the game which missed all of our players by about a mile! But we were gritty, kept in there and battled in a way that we haven’t for a short while. About 15-20 minutes into the half, we did see our lead reduced. In truth I can’t remember what happened but in my mind it was a free kick we failed to clear and someone poked it away. Either way I do remember it was a poor goal to concede and likely to become a huge test of our character. Our one clear cut opportunity fell to the one person you’d hope it would. The ball played through to Bitmead with their defence hopelessly claiming offside, presumably because they couldn’t be bothered to run anymore, meant Bitmead had the freedom of joseph hood. As he approached the goal he flicked at the ball rather than lace it like he usually does or place it as he did for the Bittrick. It bobbled into the side betting and that surely would have finished it odd. We defended really well with one very small exception. With a through ball looking to cause us no problems whatsoever, Stormzy’s feet ended up more like a ballet dancer than a footballer and the ball squirmed past him to put their winger through on goal. The shot was excellent but the save from George was even better. The anticipation to get across and get a finger to it to divert it wide showed exactly why he’s in goal for us instead of a defender coming up to score for us every time we have a corner! With that the game petered out and a cracking 3-1 win confirmed. If there’s anything we need to do better next week it’s just to put the ball in the net more when we get the chances – this match reporter included! There were so many really good performances and the team does deserve a mention (although not a nomination for ‘the team’ for MOTM please – that’s just disgusting). Scott was unusually quiet which is testament to Dwayne, 10 minute Tigz and Clive who won that midfield all hands down). Stormzy when he came on looked like he had never been away, especially coming on for the only moment in the game when we were under pressure. Dobz and Chris were again solid at full back. Perhaps our biggest benefactors of the board were our forwards and D could have had a goal and a couple of assists, Pete ran that number 10 position getting on the ball and playing it earlier (mostly) having his best game for the 5s for a while with one assist and should have been 2 more. Our man of the match though had to be Bitmead. If he would have got two Bittricks this season and not got man of the match for either that would have been criminal!! Well done lads. They showed in the second half they weren’t too bad a team but we made them look it in the first half. let’s take this momentum into the game against civil service 9s

Posted in Match Reports 5s