1. How come the 5s get so many spectators turning up to watch their games?
  •   All their suspended players come to watch.
  •  They play the most attractive passing football with impeccable behaviour  (Shurly shum mistake??)
  •  Curiosity – you never know what is going to happen.
  •  It is the best way of getting out of playing for the 4s.


  1. When you sink down in the changing room what should you do with the kit?
  • Take it off roughly and throw it in to the pile at the end of the room in any sort of shape.
  • Take it off carefully brushing off excess mud and putting it all the right way round in a nice neat pile of all the dirty kit that you are organising.
  • Make sure that it is put on top of all the remaining unused kit and mixed in with it to ensure it will all need washing.


  1. How many players in a Merton Team?
  • 13 on Monday evening
  • A worrying 11 on Thursday morning
  • An even more worrying 10 on Friday night
  • 10 five minutes before kick off
  • 11 or more by half time but not all on the pitch.


  1. After the match  you should clean your boots but where?
  • In the shower!!
  • With the hosepipe /bucket outside!
  • I didn’t know there was a hosepipe/bucket (There will be one).
  • I didn’t know there was a shower
  • I scored a hat trick so I am not washing this magic off.


  1. Having attended to your ablutions should you
  • Dive off to the bar immediately to buy the referee /teammates /opposition a drink and engage them in lively and edifying conversation delighting in their goalscoring prowess.
  • When the manager asks you keep your availability for next week a closely guarded secret till you know where the game is.
  • Pay your match fee/arrears and fines and tell him you are available for CEV or anywhere within 3hrs travelling.
  •  Immediately disappear with the old ‘off to find a cash machine’ excuse  not to be seen till next week.



  1. You have been sent off unjustly for ‘foul and abusive language’ so on spotting the referee in the bar should you
  • Apologise profusely and offer to buy him a drink and find out what he made of the game and tell him where to get the food.
  • Schmooze him, buy him a drink, tell him ‘what happens on the pitch should stay on the pitch ‘(although you didn’t )and try he really does not want to get involved in all that paperwork over a little misunderstanding with an old friend.
  • Explain to him with the aid of pencil, paper and protractor, a smidgin of ballistics and geometry that if the ball came off at that angle and with that spin it could not possibly have been their throw.
  • Explain that when you shouted out ‘You cheating c**t it was obviously not referring to him but your teammate who was neglecting his defensive duties.
  • Prostrate yourself on the floor in the corner of the bar in front of Dodge and beg forgiveness and buy him a drink
  •  All of the above in that order and contemplate a move to France.


  1. What is the most popular excuse for unavailability?
  • The games in North London and a journey there iinvalidates my life assurance policies.
  • I’ve got a family event./The photographer is going to be late for the family portrait so i wont be able to make it..
  • RPV have promised me £50 a week, all I can drink and all sorts of unprintable things.
  • Done a ‘Hammy’.


  1. One of our long gone players called a recently departed player ‘a real club man’. Which of the following is a ‘Real club man’
  • He gets yellow carded then straight red carded in extra time for kicking out (causing side to lose close cup match in extra time)and abuses the referee and club officials as he leaves the pitch/club, refuses to acknowledge AFA disciplinary actions or pay fees and fines, asks for refund of membership fees and claims to move to France.
  •  Gives up his own team game and Saturday to travel to the other side of London with his team mates to fulfil a cup fixture for a higher Merton team with little hope of any success other than upholding the Clubs reputation and the SAL rules.

(This is not a trick question –It is that simple)


  1. Now a strange incident occurred in the 4s game against HSBC at the end of November. With the HSBC attacker through on goal our defender pulled him back just outside the box. Play continued but just before HSBC netted the ball for a goal the ref blew up for the original foul. Uproar !! The ref then called both captains together and asked them what they would like to do. Having consulted he then came to a really sensible pragmatic solution and awarded the goal and only yellow carded our man. What would you have done???? Would you do;
  • Award a Free kick outside the area and send Chappell off
  • Let the goal stand and send Chappell off
  • Consult both captains, see what they want to do and send Chappell off anyway.
  • Not sure, tricky but definitely send Chappell off.


  1. What do we call that time of year when the pitches are 2” deep in water and it is really difficult for Merton to get enough players to fulfil its SAL fixtures. Is it known as
  • The festive season
  • The rainy season
  • The monsoons season

No guys you know its

  • …. The football season….Thats the one.
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