Merton 3s vs Kew Association


Another Saturday rolls around and once again Merton 3s are in action. Unlike the last 75 weeks this week we are away from home in Ham, close to Richmond.

This week it is a 1pm meet for a 2pm kick off however one of the 4 Sam’s, (annoying I know) goalie Sam decided to arrive at 12pm shortly after feeding his rabbit. His early arrival makes him the first person in the history of Merton to arrive on match day earlier than Mustard. As he likes to let you know Mustard lives in Essex which is very far away from most grounds so his early arrivals are spectacular. 1pm quickly approaches and everyone is present apart from Joe and Aaron (shock) to be fair to Aaron he did decide to walk a marathon to get here.

Once all the people on time had arrived we decide to make our way to the changing rooms. We are greeted by a lovely lady who shows us to changing room 6. Kew Association must of seen and heard Vincenzo’s dives in previous weeks as the changing room had ‘women’ written on it.

Changing room entered, food based music on (apart from Joe’s strange choice of Half the World away which I’m not sure has anything to do with food) kit bag in the centre of the room. The scene is set. Once the kit bag is placed, the lads like a bunch of wild animals start rummaging through to get their favourite numbers. Britney spots his medium, which is very important as mediums are rarer than a smile from Iain, and he jumps to grab it. Mario is extremely disheartened as we don’t have his number 8, we do however have multiple duplicates of numbers.

Once we have all changed with the aroma of deep heat in the air Fitz sits us all down to give us the line-up and team talk. As Fitz wasn’t there the previous week he has some help from assistants Iain and Mustard. The line-up he has decided is going to be:

                                                                                Sam S-R

                                                Sam K     Mustard                 Vin          Ryan

Sam SL                    Lofty


                                                Nathen                   Fitz                          Britney

Bench: Iain, Joe and Aaron

The decided line up was set and it looks a strong line up. Britney is back after a near career threatening injury, Mustard making his debut at CB and Mario back after taking a few weeks off to get married. The bench also looked very dangerous with some brilliant options to bring on if needed (which they were). Team talk was underway and the importance of the wingers were paramount as they were required to defend from the front and attack there fullbacks. Mario was decided to be the further forward of the midfield 3 to back up the forward 3.

With the team talk done we started to make the trek to the pitch. After walking through supermarket chain Iceland slaughter house we arrived at the pitch and to our surprise, hidden amongst the horses and trees was an extremely nice pitch. After the ordinary warm up and a few terrible shots at the goal kick off was here and we were raring to go, all wanting our first win of the season.

Kick off. Merton started the better of the sides with a couple of chances falling our way. A run from Nathen that started down the right and ended with him cutting in and getting into the box, he should of done much better with his shot but there was a slight nudge in the back which seemed to put him off. Another chance fell our way this time with Britney bursting down the left and trying to cut a ball back to Fitz on the edge of the box but it was cut out by a brilliant slide tackle. Merton were creating problems on the wings with the pace and trickery but allegedly weren’t doing enough defensively which the attackers didn’t agree with.

After all the early pressure from Merton we once again went 1-0 down after a pot shot from about 30 yards. The Kew attackers waltzed through our midfield to strike a shot down the centre of the goal and with Merton goalie Sam on the edge of his area for some reason the shot sailed over him. Another attack shortly after put Kew 2-0 up. 2 chances, 2 goals. This is becoming a far too regular occurrence for Merton 3s.

2-0 down and a big moment happens. A moment that people are lying about. Chinese whispers is a vicious game. The ball is in midfield with Mario, Fitz and Britney are busting a gut to get through on goal. Mario plays a lovely ball through to Fitz with the goalie and defender fast approaching him he goes for the chip over the goalie. It’s on target, trickling towards the goal but Britney with his eyes like a hawk notices a defender running back to get the clearance of the line (which he would have succeeded in) so he sprints towards the line up to try knock the ball in. The moment of truth. Britney jumps with the finesse of a young Chinese gymnast but the defender who is about 2 foot taller than Britney does his best Conor McGregor impression and elbows him viciously in the back. Britney now off balance, knowing he isn’t going to make the header, throws a hand at it. Slightly brushing his hand the ball goes in the net. The ref saw. Goal didn’t stand. Robbery. Should have been a penalty but instead he gets voted D.O.T.D.

The rest of the first half fizzled out with not much else happening. The early threat from the wingers was gone and we no longer had a foothold in the game. Late on in the first half Aaron came on for Nathen with Joe coming on for Britney.

The second half started and after some stern words and finger pointing from everyone we were raring to go.


4-0 (offside)

The second half had not started like the first half with Kew pressuring us. However for some reason going 4-0 down made us a different team. A formation change from 4-3-3 to 4-4-2 worked wonders with Nathen and Sam coming on for Mario and Fitz in CM and ST respectively.

A free kick won by Britney about 40 yards out, a smart quick free kick from Sam SL sent Vin through to chip a wonderful goal over the goalkeeper. 1 goal 3 to go. Vin was no doubt the star man in this second half with his marauding runs out of defence working wonders. He consistently fed Sam and Aaron up front who were getting joy out of there defenders. Joe Vaughn with some great tenacity in the middle kept winning the ball back for us. A special mention to Nathen who done his best Phil Jones impression by throwing his head on a ball that was on the floor. With about 20 minutes to go Iain came on for Mustard at CB.

4-2. A lovely header from Sam K goes into the top corner and the comeback was well and truly on.

4-3. Aaron is sent through by one of aforementioned Vin’s marauding run. He is offside but in keeping with the refs performance he didn’t see it. Merton were now one goal behind with about 5 minutes to go.

Last 5 minutes and Merton had all the possession but no real chances. Iain’s long throws were creating pandemonium in the opposition box but we couldn’t get the slight bit of luck we needed A couple of free kicks were won but none came to anything.. A couple free kicks also weren’t given most notably in the last couple of minutes, Britney was sandwiched but nothing given. Kew dug in well to hold off from a spirited second half performance from the lads.

Another disappointing Saturday for Merton 3s. However with a very new squad and a lot of summer transfers we are starting to gel and are looking better every game with the results soon to come.

Kew Association 4 – 3 Merton

Posted in Match Reports 3s