NAME: David Quainton

TEAM: Handsome

POSITION: CF, though, let’s face it, I’ve played everywhere. A season a left-back proved it’s not my natural home.

BIRTH DATE: 07/06/1981

BIRTH PLACE: London (Westminster, to be precise)

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Stringfellows, Book Club, Teaching Vanny To Read Good Club, Sinjuns Grammarians.


1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

Raconteur, handsome go-getter, purveyor of joie de vivre, standard-bearer for literacy within Merton FC. Man most likely (after Vanny) to dig-out D’Arcy[sic] and Vin for being fat. I work in PR and do writing, innit. For EE. So if you’re on the UK’s biggest and fastest mobile network and have experienced no signal or appalling customer service it’s not my fault, but I do know the person responsible.  


2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

My Sinjuns teammates were all getting a little long in the tooth and Messrs Willgoss and Jennings had long extolled the virtues of Merton FC. Clappers said I talked too much at my first training session, but I knew he loved me really. My keenness at training briefly earned me the name ‘new Mustard’ which I took as a compliment; now I’m not so sure… Also I accidentally fouled Chris Rayner about three times a session.


3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

January 2016, an away match for the 1s against someone (I never know who). Quainton, Rayner and Willgoss on the bench. All three chucked on late in a tug-of-war 0-0. Bosher scores, we concede immediately, but we’re desperate for the win. Willgoss win the ball at right back and clears to 40-ish yards, I outsprint the defence, round a centreback on the halfway line, and race through with nothing left on the clock. Chuffing away to my left is, not a defender, but Chris Bloody Rayner. I’ve got the goddamn sense to square. Rayner, cold as ice, slots home. Everyone goes chicken oriental. It was a special, special moment.


4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?

I already play for QPR. Look-up Jamie Mackie.

Otherwise, aside from the obvious Merseyside Reds, I’d go Fiorentina, because Batigol and Florence.

5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

Shirt number 3 is mine.


6. Lastly, share us your goals/expectations for the season.

I expect to score goals. I’ll miss some as well, but I will also score, and get injured. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.



Player of the season (at Merton, or in professional football): Paul Pearce, N’Golo Kante.

Childhood Team: Liverpool FC

Favourite team in the UK: Liverpool FC

Favourite team outside the UK: St Pauli, the ultimate hipster side

Childhood Hero: Roald Dahl

Favourite Food: Paella

Favourite Drink: Dr Pepper

Favourite Band: Radiohead

Posted in Player Profiles