MERTON ON TOUR – please send or post pictures of you wearing the mighty yellow (hat, shirt, tie) on your travels this summer – prize for the most inventive shot
1s draw ith West Wickham 1-1. Good second half performance and late Will Taylor equaliser not quite enough to ensure first division survival. (West Wickham need to win last game to relegate us).
4s gain a vital point with 0-0 away at Alleyns!
5s win 5-4 against South Bank and fight on.
6s lose 1-0 against BOE, a great picture from Saturday – of Chris Spencer, Jason Carr & Andrew Bassett representing the 6s who narrowly lost 1-0. Great time-story – keep going chaps
Win or lose it was great buzz in the bar after the game.
So here we are after all the usurpers, the young pretenders the literate and the illiterate, the wordsmith (that’s rapper to you Jay) has returned to wax lyrical and regal you with this week’s match report.
So after a headache for the boss (me) with tem selection midweek causing problems with even more players wishing to join the happy ranks of the sixth team the final selection was made, the back room chats had been done and the disappointed remained disappointed. We lined up with a strong side (as in footballing ability rather than our ability to bench press!) Yes Ryan I have seen the dust gathering on your weights!
With Alexander the Meercat in goal he can’t catch but bugger me his insurance quotes are good and you get a free doll! (No Harry not inflatable Ingrid your flexible friend’)
A solid looking back four of Harry Steve Kev and Baz. Yes the back four not blessed with pace looks or ability but hey they are a giggle at parties!
Midfield was a hard choice with Ryan Ram Mat and Martin leaving a late addition to the squad Fraser on the bench as Jay woke up with a large swelling and was unable to play as Baz was not there to help him with his ‘little swelling’!
That left Nuno and Arnold up front and a strong bench of Johnny the battering ram and Fraser.
As usual I now apologise for the lack of factual content from the game as having got this far into the report I have drunk half a glass of lager and have now reverted into being a silly billy ! smile happy face.
They kicked off and with the wind in our favour with Kev actually winning a toss, I said winning not having, we immediately put them under pressure but unfortunately our chance fell to Mat who seems to have developed what can only be described as a balloon foot with his usual volleying ability having abandoned him in the last few weeks with the only thing looking worried when he shoots is over flying birds, planes or satellites! In fact Sky are trying to blame him for loss of signal to several countries.
The game continued with Old Blues playing some nice stuff and being hard to break down at the back but with no real cutting edge up front in fact without our enigmatic Spence we were surprisingly unflustered at the back it’s amazing what having a keeper who is not 102 years old with the reactions of a slug on valium can do to a defence’s confidence.
The game continued in the same vein with us having the bulk of play and the best chances and then the unthinkable Harry who, incidently, is off to Vegas this week with his own Wolf pack (ok he is going on his own not armed with any date rape drugs what so ever. But seriously don’t accept a beer from him or his hair who appears to be an entirely different entity!) Sorry I digress. Harry played a lovely cross to the back post our young lion Ryan the star of previous weeks ran in and from all of six yards passed the ball back to the keeper! Was it his week defending last week or has he been watching his dad shoot over the last few years? Personally I think the pressure of Arsenals impending FA Cup game was playing on his mind.
After 20minutes Fraser replaced Martin in midfield and again we created a great chance from a free kick Kev ghosted in (ok charged like a rampant bull on Viagra who had just spotted a cow bending over in a provocative manner) and dived in heading just wide with a great clearance shame he was attacking!
Matt knocked another couple of satellites out of orbit and pissed off ET’S all around the planet with his volleying and new found ability to moan (his new nick name is THRUSH work it out!)
Half time came 0-0 we did not take advantage of the wind and were looking like a second half of defending.
The second half kicked off with the forwards knocking the ball back to Ram who played a one yard pass to Fraser which nearly did not reach him Fraser obviously fueled by the bosses half time rant got the ball and went on a mazey run around five players then out of nowhere let fly 30 yards out the ball moved left it moved right it did a bloody loop the loop foxed their keeper and bounced into the net 1-0 ! As everyone celebrated Ram claimed an assist for his dodgy one yard pass! The opposition then took it upon themselves to treat Fraser like their own personal punch bag kicking him at every opportunity and even trying to put his nuts into orbit with Mats footballs. The game went on and on a bit like my match report but less funny. With stout defending with the excepting on Steve’s fifty pence heading we did not looked too bothered until with 10 minutes to go the ref took a nasty blow to the head (no not another of Mats wayward shots) and went down like Baz on Jay in the showers!
He got up and seemed fine except had added 45 minutes to the game! We still held on despite his best efforts not to blow his whistle and gained a valuable three points to move us up the table and well away from relegation having completed a league/cup triple over Old Blues. Man of the match had to be Fraser not only for the goal but battling well and anyone who gets kicked in the nuts like that and gets on with it is either a gelding, a masochist or a double hard bar steward.
Positives from this week loads of people want to play with the sixes, with a keeper we look good (well he is from team handsome) and the team as a whole played a wonderful game in the spirit of football (I can say that as we won)
Next week’s match report from either Fraser, Frasers left testicle who has gone his own way or Harrys hair who decided not to go to Vegas as he did not want to be seen with Harrys orange life jacket!
The usual disclaimer if I have offending you – deal with it, if I have not offended you – I am sorry I will put you top of my list!
Yours in sport The Boss
Vote me for player of the year if you want to start next week
And finally congratulations to Nuno for embracing English culture and getting pissed before games and turning up with his head in a different universe!
BIRTH DATE: 02/04/1991
BIRTH PLACE: London
Player of the season (so far): Me, but I messed that up after the cup final
Childhood Team: Chelsea
Favourite tean outside the UK: Don’t have one
Childhood Hero: Some artistic bugger who none of you will know
Favourite Food: Sticky Toffee Pudding
Favourite Drink: White Russian
Favourite Band: The Strokes
INTERVIEW WITH ANGUS LEES
1. Tell us who is Angus outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?
Part time property developer and freelance photographer looking for a full time job. (Woody or anybody else please give me a job.)
2. How did you end up at Merton FC?
Scouted out by Max through his next door neighbour.
3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?
Semi final pen win this season
4. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?
3 doobies on a friday night.
5. Lastly, share us your thoughts for the rest of the season.
Please please please can we not get relegated, league 2 it is so shite.
TEAM: Team Handsome (They’ve obviously relaxed the entry criteria)
POSITION: Utility Man
BIRTH DATE: 09/11/1989
BIRTH PLACE: Shrewsbury
CLUBS: Admaston (Telford), Cedars Park (Suffolk), Homerton College (Cambridge)
Player of the season (so far): David De Gea – Utd would be scrapping with Leicester without him.
Childhood Team: Shrewsbury Town
Favourite tean outside the UK: Wisla KrakÓw
Childhood Hero: Stone Cold Steve Austin
Favourite Food: Middle-Eastern
Favourite Drink: Predator (when Richie Moore drinks it)
Favourite Band: No favourite
INTERVIEW WITH LIAM STEVENS (OR IS IT RYAN. WHO KNOWS?)
1. Tell us who is Liam outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?
Born in Shrewsbury and grew up in Telford, Shropshire. Since leaving seven years ago I’ve lived in Cambridge to study Chemical Engineering – then have lived in Suffolk, Liverpool, Leeds, Zürich and now here with work. Currently run the planning team for Hellmann’s, Colman’s and Maille at Unilever in Leatherhead. Big fan of Shrewsbury Town FC, travelling, reading, boxing and Richard Eggleston when he is being nice – but my main sport growing up was crown green bowls (genuinely).
2. How did you end up at Merton FC?
The club upgraded Ryan to version 2.0 at the start of this season after the old version developed some rust from a season on the bench.
3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?
The short time I spend every week with a view of the MMH trophy.
4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?
Wouldn’t say no to a stint at Barcelona if they felt they ever needed my services. Never say never – hard to draw a comparison between Messi and me – we are a completely different type of player. It’s the only team in Europe where I would feel like a pretty big bloke.
5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?
Attend a group breakfast at Eggs Benedict in South Wimbledon to give and receive compliments from Team Handsome members.
6. Lastly, share us your thoughts for the rest of the season.
Will Taylor to score some goals, David Quainton to get an injury, Richie Moore to tell some lies.
YOUTH UPDATE: U12s lost 5-2 against Twickenham Tigers, 4-0 down at half time, the boys had a great 2nd half and played some great football having most of possession, but having 6 weeks without a game really took its toll. Thanks to Richard & Ian for setting up the goals, (see pic) and thanks for Tills & son for coming down to the Hood and cheering us on. MOM was Mckenzie for his determination and leadership.
U11s beat Kew Pk Rangers 9-2 in their last game of the season. Well done.
Good day for Merton! 1s win 3-0 with great goals from Tom Rowe, Snooks & Craig Usher (Pic). 5s draw 4-4 in a ding dong affair and the 6s win 1-0 in a tight game to move them up the table! (picture of 6s celebrating in the changing room!) All youth teams at home tomorrow starting with u-12s KO at 10.15am!
It had a distinctly end of season feel to the game. We definitely had nothing to play for other than enjoyment and Old As had convinced themselves that they still had an outside chance of promotion. It was another weekend when we’ve struggled for numbers and cancelled the 5sand 6s matches so we could get 11 players for the 2s, 3s and 4s games.
We thought we had 11 for this game but that looked a bit tenuous. Expecting a lot of traffic through Barnes generated by the boat race we left early. No traffic and plenty of time to take an interest in Craig Usher’s progress or lack of it as he was driving down from Hull to make up the eleven. Pictures of grid locked motorway did not look too promising but with 2 mins to spare he pulled into the car park, changed on the touch line and got stuck in for another ‘Man most handsome’ performance. Half time 0-0 and nothing much had happened. Chris Rayner was ghosting his way into their box when he was upended was about the only moment of note but the second half was completely different and action packed. Old As cored very early in the second half when they did exactly what we said they would do if we did not do what we were supposed to do. We did not close their midfielder down, he picked his spot and gave Sherbs no chance. Good strike and a good goal. Old As took charge of the game but failed to make it 2-0 and after about 15 mins we built up a really good move with along cross finding Femi who cushioned his header to Tom Rowe who smashed in the equaliser. We had barely got over that when another great piece of attacking football saw Femi set up Connor who finished decisively to put us 2-1 ahead. Old As came back and got a good equaliser with a powerful header from a corner. And I think we settled for the draw and they did not. In the last seconds of injury time a bit of pitiful defending and although their man was well offside it was no excuse and Old As had won the game and kept their chances of promotion alive. I don’t think so. But it was a good game at a nice place against good oppo and on balance they probably deserved to win it. The ref did OK apart from the odd offside and with no linos you cant complain about that. I am rather hoping that EBOG and Norsemen go up and Old As stay down so we can have a couple of good games next season rather than the trips to North London. All our team worked really hard. Crusher deserved hi MMH award and Tom Rowe and Femi ran him close. You could make a case out for several others CJ but he had not had a shave, Connor Hitch Liam but all our boys worked really hard. It was disappointing to lose at the end but it did not really matter to us and it was soon wiped away by Many Clouds in the National.
Today’s Results 1s win 2-1 (Scorers Will T and Matt B) at home to Poly to get a crucial 3pts. (Pic 1s celebrating in bar) 2s lose to last kick 3-2 at Old As. Good game (Tom nearly man most handsome in pic)
Old As headed equaliser (pic) 3s lose 5-0 away and 4s draw 0-0 at home to BB Eagles. Many Clouds 25-1 wins Grand National. Great stuff