NAME: David Quainton

TEAM: Handsome

POSITION: CF, though, let’s face it, I’ve played everywhere. A season a left-back proved it’s not my natural home.

BIRTH DATE: 07/06/1981

BIRTH PLACE: London (Westminster, to be precise)

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Stringfellows, Book Club, Teaching Vanny To Read Good Club, Sinjuns Grammarians.

1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

Raconteur, handsome go-getter, purveyor of joie de vivre, standard-bearer for literacy within Merton FC. Man most likely (after Vanny) to dig-out D’Arcy[sic] and Vin for being fat. I work in PR and do writing, innit. For EE. So if you’re on the UK’s biggest and fastest mobile network and have experienced no signal or appalling customer service it’s not my fault, but I do know the person responsible.  

2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

My Sinjuns teammates were all getting a little long in the tooth and Messrs Willgoss and Jennings had long extolled the virtues of Merton FC. Clappers said I talked too much at my first training session, but I knew he loved me really. My keenness at training briefly earned me the name ‘new Mustard’ which I took as a compliment; now I’m not so sure… Also I accidentally fouled Chris Rayner about three times a session.

3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

January 2016, an away match for the 1s against someone (I never know who). Quainton, Rayner and Willgoss on the bench. All three chucked on late in a tug-of-war 0-0. Bosher scores, we concede immediately, but we’re desperate for the win. Willgoss win the ball at right back and clears to 40-ish yards, I outsprint the defence, round a centreback on the halfway line, and race through with nothing left on the clock. Chuffing away to my left is, not a defender, but Chris Bloody Rayner. I’ve got the goddamn sense to square. Rayner, cold as ice, slots home. Everyone goes chicken oriental. It was a special, special moment.

4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?

I already play for QPR. Look-up Jamie Mackie.

Otherwise, aside from the obvious Merseyside Reds, I’d go Fiorentina, because Batigol and Florence.

5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

Shirt number 3 is mine.

6. Lastly, share us your goals/expectations for the season.

I expect to score goals. I’ll miss some as well, but I will also score, and get injured. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton, or in professional football): Paul Pearce, N’Golo Kante.

Childhood Team: Liverpool FC

Favourite team in the UK: Liverpool FC

Favourite team outside the UK: St Pauli, the ultimate hipster side

Childhood Hero: Roald Dahl

Favourite Food: Paella

Favourite Drink: Dr Pepper

Favourite Band: Radiohead

NAME: Michael Gubby   

TEAM: Various

POSITION: GK (with the odd cameo on field)

BIRTH DATE: 10^th May 1993

BIRTH PLACE: Basingstoke

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Various teams closer to home

1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

I’m a product manager for BT, managing the process of changing prices that our customer’s pay. Outside of that im a lot less boring…

Love listening to music and going to gigs of various genres and watching and playing a variety of sports. Oh and getting drunk quite often with friends

2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

Through a few friends who work at BT with me and play for Merton

3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

Picking up MOTM and DOTD on debut (for the 3s)

4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?

I would play for Man United. Been a fan since my dad made me a fan as a young kid

5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

Always put my gloves on last…

6. Lastly, share us your goals/expectations for the season.

I would love a clean sheet or a point at all on the goalkeepers Golden Glove table

RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton, or in professional football): Zlatan!

Childhood Team: Man United

Favourite team in the UK: Man United

Favourite team outside the UK: The Burkina Faso national team

Childhood Hero: Peter Schmeichel

Favourite Food: Nachos

Favourite Drink: Cherry Coke

Favourite Band: Foals

As the snow tumbled down, 13 men who, by Saturday, don the mighty yellow, expectantly checked their phones that morning, with the text from Scholesy that the game against Poly would be called off seemingly a racing certainty.

But it never came, and an almost reluctant Merton 4s slowly gathered in the change room. The late arrival of the manager meant the kit was hurriedly put on – not that anyone really fancied a warm up anyway.

Given the adverse conditions, the pitch was in surprisingly good nick, and after some encouraging performances in recent weeks, Merton said about asserting themselves.

But the first couple of minutes were almost a perfect microcosm of the 4s season so far. For about 120 seconds from the kick off, they pinged the ball around beautifully, getting ball to feet, and building two very dangerous attacks in the process.

It didn’t yield a goal though. Well, not for Merton anyway. One hoof upfield from Poly, a mix up in defence, and the hosts gleefully poked it home. And just like that, a deflated Merton were 1-0 down.

The lads kept their heads up though, and, impressively, they kept playing football. After 15 minutes, it is fair to say Poly had barely had a kick, and yet were 1-0 up. Not only had Merton bossed the midfield, but they’d opened up their opponents down the wings a number of times too.

Yet they were always vulnerable on the counter, and that’s how Poly’s second came about. Their striker got in behind, and Kieran initially made a fine save. Unfortunately, he lost his footing a touch on the follow up, and his palmed second save could only send the ball over his head and rolling agonisingly into the net. 2-0 Poly.

And still Merton kept going, as the midfield continued to have the better of things, with Sonny and Akram doing a fine job in the middle of the park. But then came a nasty injury to Chris Outred, as he clashed heads with a Poly player as both went in for a full-blooded header. And full blooded it was, as an astonishing amount of the red stuff came from Chris’s forehead. After a few minutes of checking for concussion and performing some relatively amateur first aid bandage work, Chris was escorted from the field. We do wish him a speedy recovery.

The third and fourth goals came just after half time, although this scribe was in the clubhouse attending to the wounded at the time, so no details of how it happened are currently available.

There is no fun in getting a battering. But credit to the Yellows, they kept going, and still continued to produce some pockets of good football. That said, Poly were by now the more dominant side, and as injuries accumulated for Merton, they became very stretched.

Poly’s 5th goal came about from some good interplay down the left, although the shot which finished it was something of a worldie. It left Kieran with no price whatsoever. The same could not be said of the 6th goal though, as Merton were caught out trying to play it from the back.

At the other end, Ryan Burchell made a good run that almost yielded a goal, while Danny Gridley also made a fine surge upfield, which led to a decent chance.

But it wasn’t to be, and the final whistle mercifully sounded to end a bitterly disappointing day. After a result like that, the acid test was going to be just how acidic the recriminations were in the change room. Yet nothing of the sort ensued. Instead, the lads shared frustration, but took pride in the quality of football they produced. True, the sloppy goals they continue to give away, and their profligacy in front of goal are a big concern. Yet in amongst all that is also some very, very good football. It’s time to convert that into a result against Bank of England next week.

NAME: Ryan Burchell

TEAM: 4s

POSITION: RM/RB/Sub

BIRTH DATE: 09/10/97

BIRTH PLACE: Kingston

PREVIOUS CLUBS: None

1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

I’m currently a team leader in training at Sainsbury’s and I’m doing my best to balance a job in retail and playing football… Unsuccessfully at the minute! I’d describe myself as a friendly, wannabe funnyman who’s always up for a laugh and a beer or two.

2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

Been watching since I was about 10 years old with my Dad playing for the 6s and when I was finally old enough I put on the yellow shirt and have loved it ever since.

3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

Up until a month ago this would’ve been winning Player of The Season for the 6s in my second season but now it has to be scoring my first Merton hatrick.

4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?

I would play for my boyhood club Arsenal, been a fan since I was little (Much to the disappointment of my Dad) and walking out onto the Emirates would be a dream come true.

5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

Not really, apart from praying Scholesy doesn’t put me on the bench

6. Lastly, share us your goals/expectations for the season.

Hopefully be able to see the 4s pull off a miraculous recovery and avoid relegation, as well as the 5s continuing their good form and winning their league.

RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton, or in professional football): Will Harrison

Childhood Team: Arsenal

Favourite team in the UK: Arsenal

Favourite team outside the UK: Borrusia Dortmund

Childhood Hero: Thierry Henry

Favourite Food: Gammon Steak and chips

Favourite Drink: Bulmers

Favourite Band: Not a band but Ed Sheeran (appropriately)

NAME: Sam Singer Ripley

TEAM: 5s

POSITION: Goalkeeper 

BIRTH DATE: 7/10/1997

BIRTH PLACE: Mitcham

PREVIOUS CLUBS: T&M U16

1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

I am a student at Roehampton university, I study Sport and Exercise Science. Other than football my hobbies include cycling and eating

2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

I was just searching around on the internet for local football clubs at the beginning of last season because I stopped playing football a while ago after a nasty injury, I came across Merton FC’s website and decided to give it a go – I never looked back

3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

I’ve only been here a couple of seasons, but hopefully this season, getting promoted with the 5’s would be great. My worst moment, as many of you probably already know – Was being taken away in an ambulance after an ‘off the field’ accident occurred. 

4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?

Liverpool, they definitely have a goalkeeping problem, so I think I’d be a great contender. It would also be awesome to play for the team I support.

5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

I always make sure I’ve got my tape on the correct way. As well as making sure that I’ve got my lucky gloves on hand. I also try and make sure I go to bed a little earlier than normal.

6. Lastly, share us your goals/expectations for the season.

I hope to get promoted with the 5’s and keep up my challenge for the Golden Glove award.

Rapid Fire

Player of the season (so far): Andy Bitmead – Scoring hatricks for fun

Favourite position: CAM but I can’t play football so I play in goal

Favourite team in the UK: Liverpool FC

Favourite team outside the UK: Borussia Dortmund

Childhood Hero: Jens Lehmann

Favourite Food: Pizza huts’ Chicken, bacon and sweetcorn pizza

Favourite Drink: Dr. Pepper

Favourite Band/Artist: Imagine Dragons

Merton 2 – 1 IBIS Eagles

With last week’s disappointing cup performance well and truly forgotten about it was back to business in the league and an opportunity to do the double over IBIS Eagles down at what is quickly becoming, fortress Hood. Due to several coinciding factors including daughter’s birthday parties and Lancaster student uni reunions, the changing room was a short of a few regular senior faces. Browner was quick to regale in the spirit of ‘Norseman away’ back in 2014, another occasion when we were without key personnel although able to come away with the points due to two key factors; an early Jason Marsh thunderbolt and the big yellow Merton bus which parked itself in front of our goal for the proceeding 80 minutes. I’ll never get bored of hearing that story.

Anyways, we set up in our familiar 4-3-3 formation and looked in control of the opening exchanges with CJ Rayner and Milo looking menacing in behind the returning Tommy Rowe although the Eagles keeper remained largely untroubled. Rat and Browner were marshalling the back line in Clappers absence with confidence and authority which was great to see albeit a tad surprising given the number of goals shipped with the two of them playing there together previously! Unfortunately our promising opening came to an abrupt end soon after the 20 minute mark when some sloppy play in the middle of the park led to a breakaway down our right flank culminating in a tidy finish by their striker which, left Siri with no chance. It was their first attack of note, but for all of our possession and running but end product we didn’t have much to complain about. It could have got worse if not for a smart save by Siri and Browner clearing expertly from inside our six yard box. At the other end Tom was doing a commendable job holding the ball and brining others in to play but without the midfield getting past him we were struggling to carve out any clear cut opportunities. On the occasions that we did get the ball in the right areas, we were frustratingly lacking a bit of quality to get back on level terms

The second half began in much the same way as the first with Sam, Wilgo and Tills now becoming more dominant in the middle of the park and getting us on the front foot. The introduction of James Laughton and Els on either flank paid immediate dividends and ultimately changed the game with both causing havoc in the final third and Els almost scoring with his first touch. We were now well on top and it seemed only a matter of time before we scored. After a succession of corners Wilgo picked the ball up down the right and delivered the cross of the game to find Tills in space inside the box to coolly slot home at the second attempt (well sort of). We continued pressing and soon after we were ahead. Some cracking work from Kearnsy and Sam resulted in Els picking up the ball 25 yards out. Still with plenty to do he walked past three defenders and tucked the ball away high in to the net to send the boys in yellow wild, it was a fantastic strike and worthy winner of any game. We closed the game out with some disciplined defending to secure the three points and a proper Merton win. A fantastic team performance demonstrating the strength in depth that we now have at the club and a some very exciting young talent coming through. On to EBOG next week for a top of the table showdown.

Team: Siri, Joew Grew, Browner, Rat, Kearnsy, Sam, Wilgo, Tills (Capt), Emilio, Rayner, Tom Rowe

After a heartening performance against Carshalton the week before, the Merton 4s had every reason to feel positive going into this relegation 6 pointer at Old Wilsonians. Despite the dire weather predictions, the game went ahead under sunny skies.

5s vs HSBC 7s

It’s great when plans come together. Fresh off the back of a chastening 9-2 defeat to Polytechnics, (or rather, unfresh, because it was two weeks since Merton 5s last played), 5s realised they need to step up a gear if they were to mount a serious promotion challenge. So it was back to the training ground for the team as they sought to find a way to improve.

The group chat was buzzing with suggestions on how this could be achieved – in between videos of bestiality and what-not, which seems to get the team talking more than y’know, actual football – but Andy had a master plan. The idea was simple – create angles to play the ball out. Two weeks without football helped because as soon as 5s entered the pitch against HSBC, they started moving the ball about with great confidence. Actually, the pitch was superb condition, much to the fears of some who thought it may fall prey to the elements, and that made it conducive to the way the team wanted to pass the ball. The team that Clive selected also backed that up. In came Anam, mainly on a technicality because star man, Andy Bitmead, arrived late. He started in the centre alongside Tiago and Clive, whilst the other crucial change to the usual line-up was Thomas Reid, who replaced Josh at left-back.

In any case, Merton 5s were quick to establish their authority but would take the lead once Anam mysteriously pulled up with an injury. But before we talk about that, let’s mention the highlights in his unforgettable 15 minute cameo. First, he played a superb ball over the top to Dulanie, who was caught offside, which should have been the sign of things to come. Still, the vision was surely appreciated and indeed, at times, it seems as if his boot has a mind of its own such is his vision. Instead, the ref turned around and went purple, berating both sides for moaning about the offside calls – which already were growing in number. He probably didn’t get the memo that Dulanie was born offside. Anam then played in Darren with a Ronaldo-like turn at the edge of the box, which the goalkeeper turned away.

From the resulting corner, that’s where the game turned as Anam twisted his ankle trying to offer himself for the short pass. Still, that sort of thinking underlines his opportunism and why he should start more. On came Andy, and he proceeded to grab the game by the scuff of the neck. Literally, because running into the box past two players, he was dragged back by one before eventually, he was tripped in the area. He got up, brushed himself down and, putting aside the memory of his penalty miss against Poly 8s, smashed the shot down the middle. 1-0 to Merton.

And it wasn’t long until Merton doubled their lead, this time again a penalty, won by Aaron Byrne, who fell down like a wounded gazelle (Darren’s words. I would say he fell down more like a gazelle that’s been hurled to the ground from a speeding helicopter). The penalty, like Andy’s, went down the centre.

Merton were playing some great stuff when the half-time whistle went, with the one of the other subs, Aaron Ackerman, delivering some delightful passes. Indeed, it was his cross in the second-half that created the third goal, a header by Dulainie, beating the keeper to a high-ball. That signalled the end of Ds involvement – happy his sole goal, though it took him half-a-dozen shots to yield that one. Chances included a trademark crossfield pass from Dwayne to Dulainie saw him shoot one volley over, along with a number of identical one-on-one attempts.

Andy, though, was the key man, and for the fourth goal, delivered the moment of the match, breaking forward from midfield then nonchalantly chipping over the goalkeeper. His hattrick, was nearly as majestic, again breaking from midfield, and this time, opting to poke the ball past the goalkeeper. He could have passed the ball square to Aaron B, but understandably decided against it. Not long before, Aaron Byrne had a similar chance when he tried to place the ball to the bottom corner, but telegraphed the shot to the bottom corner.

Indeed, Aaron had a great game, dribbling at the defence, and he ended up finishing the game up front in a sort-of false-9 role. Actually, that might be kind because he was drawing a lot of stick from Dulanie from the sidelines for moving away from goal instead of towards it. In any case, the whole team performance was great, as they followed Andy’s game plan to a tee. Delman was deadly when broke forward, also having one goal strangely disallowed; whilst Tom on the other side was disciplined and tenacious – sort of like a frail James Milner. Tiago was snappy in the centre, whilst Clive provided a good foil for Andy breaking forward. Dwayne also did his best to fill in two positions at once, teleporting from left-wing to left-back instantly like a footballing-Nightcrawler – but with worse hair.

Word should also go to all three centre-backs who were solid – Lee included, who needs to have a word with himself to stop breaking forward from the back – and Sam “Safe-Hands” Singer-Ripley, who rescued the team on three occasions – though sometimes, it seems as if he likes to put the team in trouble before saving them, just so he can brag about it afterwards. It’s a shame he doesn’t apply those skills to the tinder-dates who he inevitably friend-zones.

Anyway, it was a complete team performance from Merton 5s, who in the end were indebted to Andy Bitmead, in more ways than one.

Team (4-3-3): Sam – Delman, Steve B, Darren, Thomas – Anam, Tiago, Clive – Dwayne, Dulanie, Aaron B.

Subs: Lee, Aaron A, Andy.

Goals 5-0: Andy x3, Aaron B, Dulanie

Man of the Match: Officially a tie between Aaron B and Andy, mainly because most people were tired it’s always going to Andy. I thought Tom did well, however.

Dick of the Day: Nobody, though we were treated to NLT once again. However, Delman wasn’t keen on seeing the uncircumcised glory, so he ran out of the dressing room quicker than he breaks forward from right-back. The ref, though, probably deserves it for having a meltdown on the pitch.

There were no late goals which we lost by, no last minute pull outs, noone called Joe (with or without beard) in the team and we WON, so you’d be excused if you are unsure if this really is a 3s match report. But it is!! And we won a game!!!

As DOTD for non football related issues I felt aggrieved at receiving this weeks vote. However as I sat down to write this report, I felt myself enjoying being able to report on a result which has been long overdue but more importantly completely deserved!
A wrong postcode given to Darcie to my own house wrapped up the DOTD nominations pretty convincingly although both Andy (power shot towards our goal) and Jordan (unforgivable foul throw) had some mentions during the voting process.
Hard rock was the official music of choice and Mustard took this literally during the morning’s bean ritual…  the hard theme filtered through to the physical and mental attitude the team took into the game……
With a good warm up and the knowledge that we have been producing some really good football in 2017 we were ready for action.
The pitch was in good condition albeit a bit lopsided but the sun was low and was cause of concern.
We sent Mustard up to the toss with a clear instruction to shoot away from the Sun which he immediately failed to deliver and we were switched round.
Starting with a 4-5-1 formation we tried to get our passing game going putting together some real good passages of play. We identified that the flanks were an area we could exploit early on and Glenn and Andy along with the full backs provided excellent out balls with Glenn in particular getting in behind their defence on a number of occasions.
We pushed for an opening goal and apart from a brief 10 minutes where Vincenzo got done then faked an injury, asked to be subbed then quickly recovered from the embarrassment and was fine again….. we were looking very strong playing nice expansive football. A number of half chances came and went with Darcie somehow managing to head over from all but 2 yards.
0-0 at half time but we were on top and our first half performance meant that we knew the content of the half time talk. It was no different from the usual ……
“Well done lads”
“We can go on to win this”
“They are there for the taking”
“We have been here before”

Then a more in depth analysis from Fitz with his note pad which was a welcome change from the normal cliche crap we all say every week followed by Welchie repeating everything Fitz said! We were pumped!

We dominated the second half from start to finish and pushed immediately to get the important goal. With the Sun causing their defence problems(well done Mustard for losing the toss) we pushed on and grew in confidence.

The first goal was a thing of beauty… possibly the best team goal of the season.

Starting with a tactical substitution to put two up front with Mustard making way for Chris Papps. The ball broke down in with our left back, Jordan ‘Lad’ played it neatly into the middle then it was sprayed across to the right back, Dan pinged a peach of a ball 40/50 yards into Glenn who found space behind their defence. Their goalkeeper decided he was Neuer and tried to steam out being pipped to the ball by Glenn who sent back across the box for Papp’s second touch of the game and it couldn’t have been an easier finish. 1-0!

They responded with a bit of pressure resulting in some strong defending(fouling) and some good saves from our ever reliable Dan. We held strong and stuck to our passing game.
By this time Ricardo was annoying them and biting at ankles and we were looking comfortable.

A free kick just outside the box had Glenn’s name all over it and he stepped up and delivered a bit of a worldie/keeper should’ve done better free kick.

2-0!!! And now the party started… the lads on the side were cheering every pass, tackle, shot and anything else which helped push the guys on!

The defence done a great job keeping a clean sheet with some good old fashioned tackling going in proving we really work hard for each other!
This resulted in a bit of a scuffle as Wilsons became more frustrated. A bit of handbags after a very very soft tackle in the middle(still not sure it was a foul) was uncalled for but to be honest the ref missed a few on Saturday which could’ve resulted in the book coming out, A UFC move was put on Mustard during the first half resulting in a calm down chat to the oppo captain. Don’t worry mustard I got him for you!
It all blew over pretty quickly and we saw the game out comfortably.

The whistle went, it felt like
We won a cup, we celebrated like the happiest relegated team in history of football and enjoyed every minute of it…..
The boars now march on to somehow complete the greatest relegation escape ever. It’s not in our hands but we can do our bit in this league still!
If we play like we have been and get the luck which is due we can escape!! However much more importantly …. it is about keeping the amazing spirit we have alive and enjoying our time together! It’s strange that I have enjoyed this season so much considering the results but it’s been a good craic and one that isn’t finished yet!

MOM; Jordan
DOTD; Darcie for talking too much! Ok not really Neal D (again)!

One step beyond!!!!!! Da da daaaaa da da da da da!!!!