The first game of the 2015/16 season saw a new look 4^th XI travel to Chiswick with Polytechnic 5s the hosts. Following last week’s performance, consistency in availability was vital. The only changes were John Gridley, Chris Dodd and Dan Plaistow coming in to replace Glen Porter (work), Ricardo Iglesias (3s) and Kevin Medina (5s).

With most players jumping up two leagues from last season, we knew that we were going to have a difficult time out on the field but we were buoyed by the great performance that everybody gave last week. If we managed to start how we left of last week then the hosts were in for a tough day.

We were on the back foot from the start, some sloppy passing along with players not tracking their runners allowed Poly to dominate possession. They had pace on each flank which they used to their advantage, with the majority of the time causing our full backs (one of them being me!) problems all game. We managed to keep them until ten minutes before the break. A corner from the left wasn’t cleared properly and following some pinball in the box the ball was blasted into the roof of the net. 1- 0 to the home side going into the break.

The team talk during the five minute break was one of many works with everyone chipping in with improvements that needed to be made. Changes were made; Aaron came back on to replace Chris Dodd and Arnold replaced Ryan. These changing didn’t really change much, neither did the team talk!

A sloppy free-kick was given away on the left ten minutes into the second period. More concerned about ensuring a tight line is kept, I allowed their number eleven an easy header that Sam could do nothing about. 2 – 0. We were being dominated at the point when the second goal was conceded and this allowed Poly to add to their tally. Sam did well to parry a shot following a break down the left only for their number 11 to bag his second by smashing the rebound into the bottom left. 3 – 0.

With just under thirty minutes left to go at the moment the third goal went in, we knew that there was still enough time to get back in the game. It was going to be tough but there was still a chance. With each and every one of us encouraging each other we were able to get into the game and dominate for fifteen minutes or so. During this time we reduced the deficit. Great hustling by Dan Plaistow on the right allowed Dom possession to free the ball to Dulanie on the left. A ground pass found Arnold, who under pressure, found the back of the net. A great team goal and I would say the best of the game. Not that I am biased!

We were putting more and more pressure on the opposition and pushing players up at every opportunity that we had. This backfired as they caught us on the counter to add another to their tally. 4-1 is how it finished.

Even though the score line doesn’t suggest it, Sam put in a Man of the Match performance between the sticks. Great distribution and playing the sweeper keeper role in a way that even Manuel Neuer would be proud of.

Obviously there are a number of things that we need to improve on however many positives to take from the second half performance. Next week we host Weirside Ranger at Joseph Hood where hopefully the end result is three points that will kick-start are season.

FINAL SCORE: Polytechnic 5s 4 – 1 Merton 4s SCORER: Arnold Collier MOTM: Sam Singer-Ripley

STARTING LINE-UP: Samuel Singer-Ripley (GK), John Gridley, Chris Outred, Joe Plumridge, Edward Plaistow, Ryan Burchell (Arnold Collier), Aaron Ackerman (Chris Dodd), Dan Gridley, Dulanie Richards, Dom Plumridge, Dan Plaistow.

With just two survivors from the team that lost 4-3 on the same ground last season, the new look Merton 3’s kicked off their season to the steady thrum of the North Circular at Crouch End. In a surprise turn of events, the referee for the day appeared to be Jeremy “Jez” Corbyn, which was very good of him considering he’d won the Labour leadership only a few hours beforehand.

Whilst a new team (of mostly old players), it was a case of history repeating itself as traffic issues meant that Merton only succeeded in reaching the requisite 11 players a few moments before kick-off. That said, this approach removed any selection dilemas, and the trusty 4-4-2 was called upon after some brief discussion, and accompanied by a hurried team talk, complete with all the standard advice any self-respecting football club should be covering. Having duly agreed to “keep it tight”, “take no risks in our defensive third” and “put fullbacks on the posts at corners”, Merton were ready to go.

On an uneven, bobbly, and narrow pitch the game took a while to come to life, but Merton eventually found their feet first and began to exert some sustained pressure on the Vampire’s goal. After a couple of wasteful set pieces, Merton took a deserved lead after 15 minutes; following some good work to win the ball back in midfield, the ball was passed in to Dan, who turned away from one defender, before shielding the ball from another. There didn’t look to be much danger at this point, but an on-rushing Darcy cleverly shouted for the ball, took it off Dan’s toes and left the covering defenders for dead who were still trying to work out where the ball had gone. Darcy drew the keeper and slotted in (slightly bobblingly)  via  the far post. 1-0.

Crouch End responded well with a spell of pressure of their own, forcing Artur into a couple of relatively comfortable saves, but having soaked this up Merton went straight back up the other end and added a second. This time, after some pinball in the opposition box, the maruading Tony at right-back ran on the ball from the corner of the 18 yard box and arrowed a shot goalwards. The keeper managed to save, but Darcy was on-hand again to hook the ball home from from a very narrow angle. The opposition appealed to Jez that the ball had already gone out of play, despite the impossibility of being able to score from behind the goal, but Jez was having none of it. 2-0.

Again, Crouch End responded, and on the brink of half time created their best move of the match, with a dipping 20 yard volley brilliantly tipped over the ball by Arturs. 2-0 at half time.

With a half time team talk that consisted of agreeing to do the same again, Merton started the second half brightly. In a collector’s item moment of creative flair, Dan played Nick in with a perfectly weighted through ball off the outside of his right foot (a proper Fifa R1 through-ball move) and we looked set for 3-0 as Nick bore down on the keeper. Everyone waited for the goal to come, but unfortunately as Nick also waited for the keeper to commit, a Crouch End defender made a stunning recovery tackle to steal the ball away just as Nick was about to strike.

This looked like it could be a pivotal moment, as Crouch End took advantage of this repreive to get themselves back in it. With Neil off for Riccardo, the midfield lost their shape and Crouch End began to dominate.  The goal came via a penalty; the tricky Crouch End no. 10 drawing a foul inside the box, and the resulting penalty emphatically dispatched, not once, but twice after Jez spotted some frankly blatant encroaching by 4 or 5 players. Nothing got past this man.

2-1 quickly became 2-2, via another set piece. This time a free kick; curled around the wall and into the bottom corner from 20 yards. Crouch End sensed victory.
Almost of nowhere however, Merton rallied. Without a lead to protect any longer, Merton came back into the game somewhat, and it was Darcy this time that turned creator, running on to a channel ball towards the corner flag, and tricking his way past the covering defender on the by-line. He got his head up and picked out Denys at the back post for an easy tap-in. Crouch End screamed in vain for offside, but once again Jez was not to be swayed, even ruling out an offside Crouch End “equaliser” a few minutes later for good measure.

That proved to be the only further alarm though, as Merton successfully saw out the remainder of the game. “World-class” was even mentioned  as Mike Reed expertly headed clear a long ball for the umpteenth time during this period.

So, three points a deserved reward for a gritty performance on a tough, narrow pitch. Darcy Yates was man of the match for his two goals and an assist, but special mention should also go to Arturs who made a couple of fantastic saves, and also the centre-back pairing of Mike Reed and John Stones who by and large dealt with everything thrown, kicked, or indeed hoofed their way.

The last game of the season for the 6s and it had to be played and it had to be a North London game.  With the bare 11, only 4 of the regular 6s playing and help from present and past members we arrived at White Hart Lane (Community Sports Centre).  Pulled into the car park to find that there were no changing rooms, strip down on side of pitch and had to pay £1.50 for the car park!! As all the team turned up Manager for the day Matt was wondering if Nuno had got the wrong location and was waiting at the actual White Hart Lane stadium!!  Turns out he wasn’t available; think he is scared of crossing the river?

The team was in a dilemma as Alexandra Park 10s only needed a point to get promoted, do we go out and cause them misery or do we lose and not have to travel this far next season, but the team went out and gave it their all.

10 minutes to kick off and there was no ref, luckily there was an Ally Pally member who was a qualified ref to step in who done an excellent job and was fair to both teams.

With some new faces Manager Matt selected the best formation he could a 4 – 5 – 1, with a midfield of a combined age of 138, Angus, Martin and Matt.  Matt won the toss and select that we kick with the wind at our advantage.  We started off well; both teams had a few chances, Matt and Pete nearly getting a goal from corners. The first goal came from them when a shot came in, our keeper parried the ball and their forward followed in the rebound.  We continued to press from the kick off when Ricardo got taken down midway in their half, Matt stepped up to knocked the ball into the box, which ended up going direct and looping over keeper and into the back of the net, yes the usual type of cross come shot that Matt has.  Ricardo pulled up with a hamstring injury and we went down to ten men but held on to go into the second half 1 – 1.

A quick team talk at half time and a bit of deep heat on Ricardo’s hamstring and we started the 2^nd half with the wind against us.  This was a tougher half as legs tired, Alexandra Park attacked us and we had not a lot up top as Ricardo was struggling to move but bravely battled on so we had 11 on the pitch.  They continued to attack and made the score 4 – 1 and as time went on knew that they had the points and promotion was nearing.  We manage to claw another goal back with another Matt Haswell free kick.  Their defender got pulled up for a handball just outside their area, with a four man wall Matt hit a daisy cutter, ball went under the wall and in bottom corner.  This put Matt 2^nd top goal scorer for the 6s; if we played more North London games could have been top goal scorer as Nuno wouldn’t have played that many games and not got as many goals!!

Not long after this the ref blew for full time and Ally Pally 10s got their victory and promotion.  Congratulations to them and thank you for getting promoted so we don’t have to travel to North London next season. We all got changed on the side line, and like the Burchells we didn’t have a shower after the match.

Big thank you goes to all that travelled to North London for the game and Angus and son for travelling from just round the corner.  Men of the match go to Pete and Zou for their determination and battling in defence.

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The 3s last game of the season was against the division champions Old Garchonians. Right fom the start they looked a good well organised side. Both sides took a little time to settle down. We had a scratch side drawn from all parts of the club and so were a little disjointed. It was a fairly even contest but with OGs definitely on top and creating the more chances. An unlikely centre back pairing of Snooks and Ricardo operated well to hold some lively forwards. A good move and finish saw OGs go one up and they had chances to make it 2-0. One of the highlights of the game, apart from our goal, was their forward clearly in an offside position being unable to resist tapping a goal bound shot into the empty net and so making sure it did not count to make it 2-0. He was so far offside even he did not argue and he had argued about everything else. Shortly after that we equalised with a good move out of defence and great finish from Darcy. Both sides had chances to make it 3pts, OGs rather more than us. They were a good strong side who should do well in the higher division. It has been a struggle this season for our 3s but the club is very grateful to some of the stalwarts who have stuck with it through thin and thin. So thanks to Tony P, Darcy, Jamie Scott, Ryan Gresty , all of whom have helped in organising aswell and our keepers Arturs/Ryan. It will be better next season but thanks for the commitment.

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For the last game of the season the 2s entertained the team that finished second in their division but were regarded by our side as easily the best team in the division and against whom they had enjoyed a really good game earlier in the season even though they had lost 3-1. The Oilers are a new club that are born out of Nottingham Uni and their three teams have gone through the divisions to reach the top in a very short space of time. The only irritation is that they settled on an all yellow strip for their club colours and so for this game and because the 3s were wearing the 2s normal blue change strip the 2s wore our clubs ceremonial dress of white shirts and black shorts, appropriate as this was to be Will Ts last game before he goes to oz and possiibly Crusher’s too (for a season anyway??).

We started in lively fashion and had a very good shout for a pen when we capitalised on a rare defensive mix up but a defensive block denied us. Jase was winning the ball in the air and Will’s pace was always threatening but the Oilers were solid in defence and took control of the game through the midfield. The first goal came from a well delivered curling free kick awarded for a perfectly good Ben Cook tackle. It seemed the only way to defend this was to head it decisively into our goal by one of our own who shall remain nameless. This happened towards the end of the first half and it was 2-0 early in the second when we lost possession and fannied about till their man took charge and smacked it into our goal. Dave Hitchcock and Connor had been very solid in defence and Liam was having one of his best games getting very involved in midfield and supporting the MMH Crusher who wa again outstanding. That was the point when I left. I wasn’t doing a Terry because this was a good entertaining game of footy but DQ rather than head our first goal had gone down in a writhing heap and had to go to hospital. I am reliably informed that the final score was 3-0 and we continued to create and miss ‘sitters’ and their 3^rd goal was unstoppable. Crusher was ‘Man Most Handsome’ again.

Whilst at St Georges DQ had his dislocated shoulder x-rayd put back in and it disobediently popped out again put back in again and x-rayd again. But by 7.30 he was in the recovery position (ie having copious quantities of alcohol in The Swan and working up an appetite for the obligatory end of season curry. I sloped off to bed unaware of the dramas at the hospital where the doctor had wanted to cut DQs white shirt off his back to save him the pain. Can you imagine that … what are they thinking about. Do they train these doctors??

Well that is the end of a slightly disappointing season. Having come down from the 1^st Division it is disappointing to finish in the bottom half particularly when at half way we were well placed. Thanks to Wilgo, CHJ, Marc and Sherbs who helped run the side and the team generally had a lot of fun.

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So here we are after all the usurpers, the young pretenders the literate and the illiterate, the wordsmith (that’s rapper to you Jay) has returned to wax lyrical and regal you with this week’s match report.

So after a headache for the boss (me) with tem selection midweek causing problems with even more players wishing to join the happy ranks of the sixth team the final selection was made, the back room chats had been done and the disappointed remained disappointed. We lined up with a strong side (as in footballing ability rather than our ability to bench press!) Yes Ryan I have seen the dust gathering on your weights!

With Alexander the Meercat in goal he can’t catch but bugger me his insurance quotes are good and you get a free doll! (No Harry not inflatable Ingrid your flexible friend’)

A solid looking back four of Harry Steve Kev and Baz. Yes the back four not blessed with pace looks or ability but hey they are a giggle at parties!

Midfield was a hard choice with Ryan Ram Mat and Martin leaving a late addition to the squad Fraser on the bench as Jay woke up with a large swelling and was unable to play as Baz was not there to help him with his ‘little swelling’!

That left Nuno and Arnold up front and a strong bench of Johnny the battering ram and Fraser.

As usual I now apologise for the lack of factual content from the game as having got this far into the report I have drunk half a glass of lager and have now reverted into being a silly billy ! smile happy face.

They kicked off and with the wind in our favour with Kev actually winning a toss, I said winning not having, we immediately put them under pressure but unfortunately our chance fell to Mat who seems to have developed what can only be described as a balloon foot with his usual volleying ability having abandoned him in the last few weeks with the only thing looking worried when he shoots is over flying birds, planes or satellites! In fact Sky are trying to blame him for loss of signal to several countries.

The game continued with Old Blues playing some nice stuff and being hard to break down at the back but with no real cutting edge up front in fact without our enigmatic Spence we were surprisingly unflustered at the back it’s amazing what having a keeper who is not 102 years old with the reactions of a slug on valium can do to a defence’s confidence.

The game continued in the same vein with us having the bulk of play and the best chances and then the unthinkable Harry who, incidently, is off to Vegas this week with his own Wolf pack (ok he is going on his own not armed with any date rape drugs what so ever. But seriously don’t accept a beer from him or his hair who appears to be an entirely different entity!) Sorry I digress. Harry played a lovely cross to the back post our young lion Ryan the star of previous weeks ran in and from all of six yards passed the ball back to the keeper! Was it his week defending last week or has he been watching his dad shoot over the last few years? Personally I think the pressure of Arsenals impending FA Cup game was playing on his mind.

After 20minutes Fraser replaced Martin in midfield and again we created a great chance from a free kick Kev ghosted in (ok charged like a rampant bull on Viagra who had just spotted a cow bending over in a provocative manner) and dived in heading just wide with a great clearance shame he was attacking!

Matt knocked another couple of satellites out of orbit and pissed off ET’S all around the planet with his volleying and new found ability to moan (his new nick name is THRUSH work it out!)

Half time came 0-0 we did not take advantage of the wind and were looking like a second half of defending.

The second half kicked off with the forwards knocking the ball back to Ram who played a one yard pass to Fraser which nearly did not reach him Fraser obviously fueled by the bosses half time rant got the ball and went on a mazey run around five players then out of nowhere let fly 30 yards out the ball moved left it moved right it did a bloody loop the loop foxed their keeper and bounced into the net 1-0 ! As everyone celebrated Ram claimed an assist for his dodgy one yard pass! The opposition then took it upon themselves to treat Fraser like their own personal punch bag kicking him at every opportunity and even trying to put his nuts into orbit with Mats footballs. The game went on and on a bit like my match report but less funny. With stout defending with the excepting on Steve’s fifty pence heading we did not looked too bothered until with 10 minutes to go the ref took a nasty blow to the head (no not another of Mats wayward shots) and went down like Baz on Jay in the showers!

He got up and seemed fine except had added 45 minutes to the game! We still held on despite his best efforts not to blow his whistle and gained a valuable three points to move us up the table and well away from relegation having completed a league/cup triple over Old Blues. Man of the match had to be Fraser not only for the goal but battling well and anyone who gets kicked in the nuts like that and gets on with it is either a gelding, a masochist or a double hard bar steward.

Positives from this week loads of people want to play with the sixes, with a keeper we look good (well he is from team handsome) and the team as a whole played a wonderful game in the spirit of football (I can say that as we won)

Next week’s match report from either Fraser, Frasers left testicle who has gone his own way or Harrys hair who decided not to go to Vegas as he did not want to be seen with Harrys orange life jacket!

The usual disclaimer if I have offending you – deal with it, if I have not offended you – I am sorry I will put you top of my list!

Yours in sport The Boss

Vote me for player of the year if you want to start next week

And finally congratulations to Nuno for embracing English culture and getting pissed before games and turning up with his head in a different universe!

FACT FILE

TEAM: 1XI

POSITION: Goalkeeper

BIRTH DATE: 02/04/1991

BIRTH PLACE: London

CLUBS: None

RAPID FIRE

Player of the season (so far): Me, but I messed that up after the cup final

Childhood Team: Chelsea

Favourite tean outside the UK: Don’t have one

Childhood Hero: Some artistic bugger who none of you will know

Favourite Food: Sticky Toffee Pudding

Favourite Drink: White Russian

Favourite Band: The Strokes

INTERVIEW WITH ANGUS LEES

1. Tell us who is Angus outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

Part time property developer and freelance photographer looking for a full time job. (Woody or anybody else please give me a job.)

2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

Scouted out by Max through his next door neighbour.

3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

Semi final pen win this season

4. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

3 doobies on a friday night.

5. Lastly, share us your thoughts for the rest of the season.

Please please please can we not get relegated, league 2 it is so shite.

FACT FILE

TEAM: Team Handsome (They’ve obviously relaxed the entry criteria)

POSITION: Utility Man

BIRTH DATE: 09/11/1989

BIRTH PLACE: Shrewsbury

CLUBS: Admaston (Telford), Cedars Park (Suffolk), Homerton College (Cambridge)

RAPID FIRE

Player of the season (so far): David De Gea – Utd would be scrapping with Leicester without him.

Childhood Team: Shrewsbury Town

Favourite tean outside the UK: Wisla KrakÓw

Childhood Hero: Stone Cold Steve Austin

Favourite Food: Middle-Eastern

Favourite Drink: Predator (when Richie Moore drinks it)

Favourite Band: No favourite

INTERVIEW WITH LIAM STEVENS (OR IS IT RYAN. WHO KNOWS?)

1. Tell us who is Liam outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

Born in Shrewsbury and grew up in Telford, Shropshire. Since leaving seven years ago I’ve lived in Cambridge to study Chemical Engineering – then have lived in Suffolk, Liverpool, Leeds, Zürich and now here with work. Currently run the planning team for Hellmann’s, Colman’s and Maille at Unilever in Leatherhead. Big fan of Shrewsbury Town FC, travelling, reading, boxing and Richard Eggleston when he is being nice – but my main sport growing up was crown green bowls (genuinely).

2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

The club upgraded Ryan to version 2.0 at the start of this season after the old version developed some rust from a season on the bench.

3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

The short time I spend every week with a view of the MMH trophy.

4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?

Wouldn’t say no to a stint at Barcelona if they felt they ever needed my services. Never say never – hard to draw a comparison between Messi and me – we are a completely different type of player. It’s the only team in Europe where I would feel like a pretty big bloke.

5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

Attend a group breakfast at Eggs Benedict in South Wimbledon to give and receive compliments from Team Handsome members.

6. Lastly, share us your thoughts for the rest of the season.

Will Taylor to score some goals, David Quainton to get an injury, Richie Moore to tell some lies.

It had a distinctly end of season feel to the game. We definitely had nothing to play for other than enjoyment and Old As had convinced themselves  that they still had an outside chance of promotion. It was another weekend when we’ve struggled for numbers and cancelled the 5sand 6s matches so we could get 11 players for the 2s, 3s and 4s games.

We thought we had 11 for this game but that looked a bit tenuous. Expecting a lot of traffic through Barnes  generated by the boat race we left early. No traffic and plenty of time to take an interest in Craig Usher’s progress or lack of it as he was driving down from Hull to make up the eleven. Pictures of grid locked motorway did not look too promising but with 2 mins to spare he pulled into the car park, changed on the touch line and got stuck in for another ‘Man most handsome’ performance.  Half time 0-0  and nothing much had happened.  Chris Rayner was ghosting his way into their box when he was upended was about the only moment of note but the second half was completely different and action packed.  Old As cored very early in the second half when they did exactly what we said they would do if we did not do what we were supposed to do.  We did not close their midfielder down, he picked his spot and gave Sherbs no chance. Good strike and a good goal. Old As took charge of the game but failed to make it 2-0 and after about 15 mins we built up a really good move with along cross finding Femi who cushioned his header to Tom Rowe who smashed in the equaliser. We had barely got over that when another great piece of attacking football saw Femi set up Connor who finished decisively to put us 2-1 ahead. Old As came back and got a good equaliser with a powerful header from a corner. And I think we settled for the draw and they did not.  In the last seconds of injury time a bit of pitiful defending and although their man was well offside it was no excuse and Old As had won the game and kept their chances of promotion alive. I don’t think so. But it was a good game at a nice place against good oppo and on balance they probably deserved to win it. The ref did OK apart from the odd offside and with no linos you cant complain about that. I am rather hoping that EBOG and Norsemen go up and Old As stay down so we can have a couple of good games next season rather than the trips to North London. All our team worked really hard. Crusher deserved hi MMH award and Tom Rowe and Femi ran him close. You could make a case out for several others CJ but he had not had a shave, Connor Hitch Liam but all our boys worked really hard.   It was disappointing to lose at the end but it did not really matter to us and it was soon wiped away by Many Clouds in the National.

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