Category: Match Reports 5s

Merton 5’s 0 – IBIS Eagles 6

Another Saturday another birthday, and this time Mr Milk Tray Hassan finally delivered on that box of chocs, well enough to feed 4 of the greedy Merton 5’s players.  Celebrations aside, illness, injury and outside commitments hit the team hard.  Tiago caught rabies from a dingo, Andy injured from excursions at a stag event the prior weekend (don’t play bubble football during the season), Bambi shot himself in the leg last weekend at 5-aside, Steve H locked in a sex dungeon in Manchester and Gibbo drinking from the furry stein in Germany.  Luckily Neal Davison and Dan Bilzerian stunt double Joe Squire helped us out.

We started slow and IBIS scored basically from kick off, attacking quick and outnumbering Delman down our right hand side.  The IBIS forward finished well, although Sam got a good hand to it.

This kicked us up a notch and tackles went flying in.  Unfortunately Dwayne was on the receiving end of a heavy 50/50 which put him out for the rest of the game, and probably a few weeks.  We attacked well and had a run of about 4-5 corners which Ackers delivered well.  One of which, Dulanjie bullet headered from the penalty spot and hit Clive solidly in the face on the line and was then cleared.  We knew it was going to be another one of those days.  Clive has agreed to stay out of the opposition box from now on.

Near the end of the first half, possession was conceded in the Merton half and IBIS capitalised despite Sam getting another hand to it.

Second half we started well and created a few chances.  Then injury struck again and Clive’s hamstring went.  We were then under pressure and conceded two quick goals.  More woe was added when Neal’s hamstring went as well.  The final straw was one of the players, who will remain unnamed performed a Houdini trick.  This left us in more trouble and conceded two further goals compounding the disappointing result.

South Bank 3    Merton 5’s 1

So another week another report writer and can I just start by apologising to any one I fail to insult in this report. I like to treat everyone fairly so you’ll all cop it at some point and bear in mind I am old and have alchzeim….. alsimer……alchazel……….bollocks a poor memory this report will take the fashion of one of my arrest reports and be a complete work of fiction with no evidence what so ever!

The day started well we were nearly all on time changed and ready for a warm up but despite the jovial banter which we are used to there seemed to be a lack of focus, Aaron still racked with guilt over his night time fun and Delman pondering his last visit to Manchester where rumour has it he ate a sausage (cue 300 messages on the whatsapp group with gay GIF’S).

So against a side which beat us last time we kicked off with a strong side and a good bench ready in the wings.

Almost immediately with our first attack a tremendous strike by Aaron and it was 1 nil what followed was the most amusing goal celebration as he got clipped by the defender striking the ball he wheeled away in celebration he ran like a demented gazelle on steroids to the half way line and then collapsed in a heap. He had to be helped off but fortunately was unhurt and returned to the game later.  We have strength in depth not only did we replace him with a class player but we did not even have to change names as Aaron A came on.

I can summarise the next 40 minutes of football in a few short lines we had chance after chance after chance but there was more chance of Sam losing his virginity (with a girl) than of our strike force hitting the back of the net. We could not score in a brothel with a fist full of fivers!

D had one great unlucky chance with a volley over his shoulder,  Dwayne had a flying header that he did well to get to (the landing was something out of the pilots guide on how not to land) Aaron A lined up for a volley yes I thought I would bet my shirt on him burying that erm no high and wide and skins for me next week. Gibbo and D so often our saviours and reliable no no and no !

Darren and I looked at each other at the back and all those years of experience just commented to each other this was going to be one of those days! I hate being right (that’s why I don’t do it often ask Ryan)

The defence held solid with Josh, Delman, Darren, me and Lee our stand in goalkeeper for the day performing our duties admirably.

The midfield of Tiago, Clive, Dwayne, Aaron A and Gibbo creating and protecting the back four worked hard and D up front running for everything surely we would prevail. Half time came and despite being 1-0 up the omens were not good.

The second half started well to be honest they started the second half we were all a little slow (except Lee who had dashed off for a quick half time dump memories of Lehman peeing behind the hoardings).

Then disaster on the scale of the Titanic sinking or the great fire of London or not getting a slice of Pizza! With a wonder strike that he will never repeat their midfielder left Lee flapping at thin air and it was 1-1 bad times (Lee had no chance really please Lee do not put me down for NLT as revenge)

A short while later with South Bank doing most of the attacking and our game dropping to their level, we gave away a free kick outside the box. Lee lined up his wall the little Italian kid lined up his shot and curled it in 2-1 again lee no chance.

We battled hard and tried to get back in the game but the writing was on the wall (that’s the last time I want to see Josh with a spray can)

Their keeper was doing a better job of sweeping than I was he was quicker of his line than a man with irritable bowel syndrome who has been clenching for hours and just sighted a toilet!

Not really creating any chances this half for our strikers we should have had a penalty when D was fouled and a second when Aaron was pushed by the keeper but as he played honest stayed in his feet to shoot into the side netting the chance was gone. Most of us would have gone down like a stripper being offered a £10 (again another rumour about Delmans last visit to Manchester).  Clive came the closest heading narrowly over from a yard away.

A third goal followed for South Bank when their striker robbed Josh on the side line and made an individual run to score.

They brought on the mong for the last few minutes who changed the game completely trying to turn a nice game into a fight taking out Delman with telekinesis well he kept saying he did not touch him despite flooring him so it must be a super power!

Lee managed to shout at me to prevent the inevitable card that would have followed the tackle that was in my mind at the end of the 50 yard sprint towards the mong next time he got the ball (saved me a tenner cheers Lee)

The game finished 3-1 sadly.

Positives we created great chances in the first half and we defended well throughout beaten by three individual moments of brilliance. Results keep us in the top three and we will move on from this as we are a great team with good team spirit (vodka shots all round)

Negatives – bad day at the office for finishing across the team, and a little bit of niggling comments coming out remember no one intentionally mucks up we stand and fall as a team (Straight out of Sam’s book of inspirational comments along with go on son get in there she loves it)

Onwards and upwards and once again if I failed to insult you I apologise and here goes Lee (no you scare me) Delman what happens in Manchester stays in Manchester except crabs they come back with you!, Josh you lasted 90 minutes sick note, Darren you’ll edit this so no point (Darren: I only corrected the spellings & grammar, plus the bit about Clive missing from a yard), Clive erm no never insult the manager, Gibbo if you flick the ball again I will volunteer you for double NLT, Tiaggo you’re an inspiration annoying but an inspiration lol, Aaron A you should do a refs course, Aaron respect for Friday night which mates girl was it hope  he reads this! , Dwayne no Dwayne’s too nice to rip into but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! , and D no don’t fancy getting battered to death by the huge member he has (do you pay extra subs to bring that third leg on the pitch?)

Subs for the day Bambi great to see you back I cried when the hunters shot your mum, and lastly Annam I love your chocolate, erm no, I mean I love Cadburys not your personal chocolate, erm really I’m strictly hetro I don’t even like midgets!  Erm on that note see you all next week where I shall be wearing my body armour and expecting to be beaten senseless!

If you enjoyed this Steve B wrote it if you did not then Luke did it!

Not sure who man of the match was but my vote would be Lee for standing in as keeper and pulling off some great saves.

Merton 5s 1 – 2 Kew 3rds

Arriving in the sunny capital, I was pleased to hear that our game this weekend was away to Kew. Kew have lottery-funded pitches to suit our Barcelona-esque style of play, and a good clubhouse to complement our Gazza-esque drinking habits. However, with 2 days before the big KO, the seeds of doubt were planted as the “availability” of their pitches fell into question – a perfectly logical situation considering they have 3 pitches and 3 teams. It so transpires that the raucous group of bowles players occupying the pitches at Kew refused to leave, so the game came to the bumpy, unreliable Wimbledon Common.

Despite some confusion caused by the change, outrage at the decision to arrive 2 hours before kick-off, and the referee declaring a zero tolerance to swearing which left everyone concerned for Lenners, we actually started the game pretty well. The opening exchanges were a little cagey; however the 5s were winning the ball well, passing it around and making the best chances of the first period. There were some good passages of play between the front 3 of Dwayne, Aaron and Gibbo that led to some half decent chances. The pick of them was a through ball to Gibbo, which left him one on one with the keeper. As the keeper backpeddled, Gibbo attempted the chip. The power wasn’t there, and the ball fell harmlessly into the goalkeeper’s hands. The half probably wasn’t the spectacle their fans had hoped for [there were 4 of them], but from our perspective we looked the most likely.

Some shocking decisions seemed to go against us, however, and with Dulanjie absent the job fell to Dwayne to always be offside. There were 2 or 3 instances where Dwayne was judged to be offside by the referee yet started from 2 yards the right side of the defender. There were some fouls that were given for virtually nothing, and blatant offsides not called. Fearing he was going to talk himself into the book [and perhaps even get himself sent off], Lenners decided to come off. His eloquent use of language towards the referee did continue from the sidelines, but it’s much more difficult to get sent off from there – and after all, it wouldn’t be a game of football if Lenners wasn’t shouting through it.

The second half started, and our changes hadn’t settled into the game before we were 1 – 0 down. Something as simple as a ball over the top caught us out, and their striker raced onto it to chip Sam to give them the lead. They played with a renewed confidence after that, and truthfully could have gone 2 up had it not been for the brilliant Sam in goal. With one 1v1 save and a stop from a good shot from outside the box, we seemed to have weathered a bit of a storm and started coming back into the match.

As we were getting back into the game, an injury crisis hit. Delman was the first to go after a fine first half – the theory goes that he and Dwayne were playing kiss chase into the early hours & it had taken its toll. Then went Tiago, who claimed cramp as the reason yet was squealing as if he was the victim of Lenners’ Naked shower time whilst simultaneously being eaten by a dingo. Their replacements, Steve and Pete, took to the game like a duck to water however, and we were soon to draw level.

Pete threatened immediately, with a through ball finding him around 20 yards out. With the keeper off his line, he tried the chip however the ball narrowly sailed over the bar. Not long after, the move was almost identical, however the outcome was different. With the ball bouncing, Pete took it first time to lob the keeper with a fine finish to make it 1-1. Cue an exciting finale.

Towards the end of the game, both teams seem discontent with a point. It was Merton, however, that was evidently tiring and that showed in the last 5 minutes. In a good passage of play by the oppo, coupled with some laboured closing down from a tired Merton, their player found a little bit of space to put the ball into the box. Their striker, about 2 yards offside, was on hand to stick the ball past Sam from around 8 yards to give Kew the points. The striker expectantly looked towards the referee, and our defence seemed miffed, but the whistle did not come and the goal stood. The complaints were not as vigorous as they could have been, owing to the fact that our players were knackered and perhaps not altogether surprised considering the decisions of the ref throughout the game. Lenners could still be heard in the distance making the case in a calm and measured manner as always, but the ref’s mind wasn’t to be changed and the game ended 1-2.

The effort put in was superb from our lot and with some extra fitness that comes with a run of games or with a couple of goals in the first half, we could have won this game. Despite the spell around their first goal, our defence and midfield were very strong, winning 50/50s and managing to play the ball around despite the tricky conditions. Dwayne, Aaron and Gibbo were a constant threat as an attacking trio – the final ball/finish just wasn’t quite there but on another day, they could each have scored. And off the bench Steve slotted very comfortably into an unfamiliar right back position, Darren offered steel in the midfield that Tiago had been adding in the first half and their defence couldn’t deal with Pete’s pace, as his goal suggests.

The drink up that ensued afterwards was good fun, with this reporter’s storytelling getting him into the post-match venue without ID, in a conversation that ended with “duck the pom pom”, or words to that affect [this is a family-friendly report, afterall]. Since the lovely gentleman was letting me in, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I actually think the “pom pom” is doing a great job despite their ever-dwingling resources, so I went along with it.

It was great to see everyone again and I will keep following the 5s on their mighty run up the football league.

5s vs HSBC 7s

It’s great when plans come together. Fresh off the back of a chastening 9-2 defeat to Polytechnics, (or rather, unfresh, because it was two weeks since Merton 5s last played), 5s realised they need to step up a gear if they were to mount a serious promotion challenge. So it was back to the training ground for the team as they sought to find a way to improve.

The group chat was buzzing with suggestions on how this could be achieved – in between videos of bestiality and what-not, which seems to get the team talking more than y’know, actual football – but Andy had a master plan. The idea was simple – create angles to play the ball out. Two weeks without football helped because as soon as 5s entered the pitch against HSBC, they started moving the ball about with great confidence. Actually, the pitch was superb condition, much to the fears of some who thought it may fall prey to the elements, and that made it conducive to the way the team wanted to pass the ball. The team that Clive selected also backed that up. In came Anam, mainly on a technicality because star man, Andy Bitmead, arrived late. He started in the centre alongside Tiago and Clive, whilst the other crucial change to the usual line-up was Thomas Reid, who replaced Josh at left-back.

In any case, Merton 5s were quick to establish their authority but would take the lead once Anam mysteriously pulled up with an injury. But before we talk about that, let’s mention the highlights in his unforgettable 15 minute cameo. First, he played a superb ball over the top to Dulanie, who was caught offside, which should have been the sign of things to come. Still, the vision was surely appreciated and indeed, at times, it seems as if his boot has a mind of its own such is his vision. Instead, the ref turned around and went purple, berating both sides for moaning about the offside calls – which already were growing in number. He probably didn’t get the memo that Dulanie was born offside. Anam then played in Darren with a Ronaldo-like turn at the edge of the box, which the goalkeeper turned away.

From the resulting corner, that’s where the game turned as Anam twisted his ankle trying to offer himself for the short pass. Still, that sort of thinking underlines his opportunism and why he should start more. On came Andy, and he proceeded to grab the game by the scuff of the neck. Literally, because running into the box past two players, he was dragged back by one before eventually, he was tripped in the area. He got up, brushed himself down and, putting aside the memory of his penalty miss against Poly 8s, smashed the shot down the middle. 1-0 to Merton.

And it wasn’t long until Merton doubled their lead, this time again a penalty, won by Aaron Byrne, who fell down like a wounded gazelle (Darren’s words. I would say he fell down more like a gazelle that’s been hurled to the ground from a speeding helicopter). The penalty, like Andy’s, went down the centre.

Merton were playing some great stuff when the half-time whistle went, with the one of the other subs, Aaron Ackerman, delivering some delightful passes. Indeed, it was his cross in the second-half that created the third goal, a header by Dulainie, beating the keeper to a high-ball. That signalled the end of Ds involvement – happy his sole goal, though it took him half-a-dozen shots to yield that one. Chances included a trademark crossfield pass from Dwayne to Dulainie saw him shoot one volley over, along with a number of identical one-on-one attempts.

Andy, though, was the key man, and for the fourth goal, delivered the moment of the match, breaking forward from midfield then nonchalantly chipping over the goalkeeper. His hattrick, was nearly as majestic, again breaking from midfield, and this time, opting to poke the ball past the goalkeeper. He could have passed the ball square to Aaron B, but understandably decided against it. Not long before, Aaron Byrne had a similar chance when he tried to place the ball to the bottom corner, but telegraphed the shot to the bottom corner.

Indeed, Aaron had a great game, dribbling at the defence, and he ended up finishing the game up front in a sort-of false-9 role. Actually, that might be kind because he was drawing a lot of stick from Dulanie from the sidelines for moving away from goal instead of towards it. In any case, the whole team performance was great, as they followed Andy’s game plan to a tee. Delman was deadly when broke forward, also having one goal strangely disallowed; whilst Tom on the other side was disciplined and tenacious – sort of like a frail James Milner. Tiago was snappy in the centre, whilst Clive provided a good foil for Andy breaking forward. Dwayne also did his best to fill in two positions at once, teleporting from left-wing to left-back instantly like a footballing-Nightcrawler – but with worse hair.

Word should also go to all three centre-backs who were solid – Lee included, who needs to have a word with himself to stop breaking forward from the back – and Sam “Safe-Hands” Singer-Ripley, who rescued the team on three occasions – though sometimes, it seems as if he likes to put the team in trouble before saving them, just so he can brag about it afterwards. It’s a shame he doesn’t apply those skills to the tinder-dates who he inevitably friend-zones.

Anyway, it was a complete team performance from Merton 5s, who in the end were indebted to Andy Bitmead, in more ways than one.

Team (4-3-3): Sam – Delman, Steve B, Darren, Thomas – Anam, Tiago, Clive – Dwayne, Dulanie, Aaron B.

Subs: Lee, Aaron A, Andy.

Goals 5-0: Andy x3, Aaron B, Dulanie

Man of the Match: Officially a tie between Aaron B and Andy, mainly because most people were tired it’s always going to Andy. I thought Tom did well, however.

Dick of the Day: Nobody, though we were treated to NLT once again. However, Delman wasn’t keen on seeing the uncircumcised glory, so he ran out of the dressing room quicker than he breaks forward from right-back. The ref, though, probably deserves it for having a meltdown on the pitch.

Civil Service: 2

Merton: 2

The concept of a game south of the river has become a foreign concept to the 5s as we travelled a short distance away to “uncharted” territories. “Uncharted” in this instance has a very ironic meaning, as we’ve been in Chiswick so much this season, that there have been rumours of Merton council looking to expand their boundaries across the river.

This week saw a different line-up from most weeks as we enter the festive season. Our reliant leader, Clive, filled in as a nostalgic left back while a rare partnering of Anam and Ackers in the centre of midfield. Up top we had familiar Pete who was making a return of sorts having previously played for Civil Service many moons ago, while Dulanje provided support behind. The game started rather poignantly with a moments silence was held due to the tragic news received in South America. The game kicked off and it seemed that a few Merton legs were less than receptive than usual, perhaps due to the cold weather as Civil looked to exploit our sluggish start. While they drove forward not many chances were created in the first 15 minutes. We began to become more involved in the game with good possession and build up play, but the initial sharpness in the attack was still rather blunt. Half an hour had been played when Merton looked to break on the counter from a corner. The ball fell to Dulanje on the left wing, with Clive bursting forward to his right looking to receive a pass to propel the momentum further. Unfortunately trying to take on a player instead saw the ball pinched from Dulanje’s toe, leaving a big hole behind which was exploited in numbers as Civil had yet to register the break meaning many players were still forward. Goal. One-up to the home team. Not the usual Merton start. A few more attempts were brilliantly dealt with, as the opposition’s centre forward proved a handful for our centre backs. Half Time.

A brief talk from our manager highlighted where we were going wrong and the boys came out looking to get back into the game. Down the left hand side Dwayne superbly provided cover as the Chiswick team looked to bombard with pace. 10 minutes into the second half, we brought on Noor for Darren Avey, as Clive stepped into central defence, Dwayne filled in at left back and the fresh legs playing in front. This seemed to tighten the back line, as it allowed Dwayne to provide more pace on the flank, while Clive could organise positions. A Civil attack saw Clive slide in strongly to stop the ball and play forward to Anam who then brilliantly saw space down the right flank for Dulanje. Our ever present attacker broke down the wing and played a ball across goal to Noor, who laid the ball for Aaron B to shoot. Deflection! The ball bobbled past the keeper looking to go clear, when Pete charged in at the back post and slotted home. 1-1. The home team looked around and collected themselves as they looked to get back into the game. This half however Merton had stepped up to play at their usual standard. More chances were made both ends, but the next goal came rather controversially. The home team looked to break down our right flank and whipped a ball in which was easily caught by Sam. As the ball was caught, our ‘keeper was bundled by an oncoming runner (who could not stop in fairness, momentum taking over). The ball was dropped and the ball rolled in. Normally play would be stopped and a foul would be given – not today. Without looking to condemn the referee, this was against the improvements we imposed during the half, with the match official later admitting he made the wrong decision. A few cries of encouragement saw Merton come back, not looking disheartened as the team of last season would have been. The away team pushed and pushed looking to pull back another equaliser, with Pete coming very close with a 1 on 1 which the on-rushing keeper brilliantly saved. It looked like despite our efforts, the goal was not going to come. Anams passing continued to be a threat with Aaron B making many dangerous runs creating space. Last 2 minutes of the game and the equaliser had still not come. The ball fell to Pete on the far edge of the right hand side of the box, he beat a player, looked up to set the ball and placed it across goal into the net. Back in the game, but not enough time for the winner.

Team: Sam, Delman, Steve B, Darren, Clive, Aaron B, Aaron Ackerman, Anam, Dwayne, Dulanje, Pete Sub: Noor

MOM: Pete for his two goals which very well could have been a hatrick! Anam and Dwayne weren’t too far behind but I think the importance of Pete’s goals proved he just scraped ahead.

The 5s 0 – 0 poly 8s (2-4 pen)

It was the mysterious case of the cancellation of the 9th team. Somehow, in  this crucial cup game, the 9s suspended their game and ended up supporting their 8s in a ferocious battle that lasted to the death.

Chiswick has been our home from home in recent weeks, however King George’s playing fields has now become our home from home from home. We settled in quickly, and it was the 5s who had the first chances. Had the referee not have got the memo from last time out that dulanjie is always offside,  we would have gone ahead early doors and never looked back! There were at least 2, maybe 3 instances where was clearly onside, clean through yet called offside. It is no ocerexaggeration to say he would be at least 4 goals better off if these really suspect calls had not been made. Dulanjie shouldn’t be disheartened because one day the floodgates will surely open!!

So our chances instead fell to those who you’d want them to in the first half. One of their clearances from a corner dropped to Darren, who adjusted well to volley narrowly over. A similar situation played out for Steve Burchall, except he didn’t adapt well and the ball flew out of the ground for a home run – the referee did not look amused at the suggestion that it should count!! A good move on the right saw Aaron cut my n tidier narrowly wide on the left. That was our pick of the first half, and apart from hitting the bar with an effort that he did well to get a foot on, they didn’t make many chances as the 5s held strong at the back to make take a 0-0 into the first half.

The second half was a mix of excitement, nervousness and horror as the tightness of the game meant all players knew the single goal would be enough. the 5s again started strongest as the keeper made an unbelievable save to keep out a corner from Aaron that was heading straight into the top corner again. Steve managed to hit another home run (2-0 up on that front) before they asserted some pressure! One went across the box, and one went narrowly wide. The topsy turvey nature of the game then saw the 5s in control, and spurn the best chance of the game. Twice Dwayne broke through, once quite a difficult chance but hit the side netting. The second, he should of scored. Clean through, and about 4 yards from goal and it went further away rather then nestling in the back of the net! Like a massive hard on that came to fast, it ended up in disappointment.

One of the last moments of the 90 was to be pivotal. Their 9s top scorer, who is well known to the club, let rip from 20 yards. The effort was deatined for the bottom corner; but for a big hand from Sam in goal. He flew from the other end to make a save that you’d be impressed with at a professional level. The speed of his reaction made it look easy, and was the last major chance before extra time.

The game ended 0-0 and there was only one team in it. Another good chance was spurned by Dwayne who was again a fraction unlucky. The marginalised dulanjie saw an effort where he was uncharacteristically flagged onside (despite the fact he was indeed onside) stretch to almost lob the keeper.

A game where we had the chances, but didn’t convert one. A great performance nonetheless.

Pens can be a lottery, but of the two we scored out of the 4, neither were great. In the end we must take heart from our resoluteness and maintain our form in  The league because it is certainly winnable!

Dick of the day: for missing from 4 yards out, by such a large margin, is Dwayne.

Man of the match: but for getting in the positions, helping out a flakey (but very good looking) left back, it’s Dwayne again! A very good performance at both ends that if he plays like this every week, he will score a hatful.

Now, for some particularly sad news. I will be leaving the club, moving up to Manchester. Since joining, it has been an absolute pleasure playing for the 5s and I think this is demonstrated by the way that everyone wants to play with us. Even last year when we were not doing very well, I feel like I have been part of a team. What Clive has done for this club should not be confined by the good job he did last season, he has built a formidable team this season and I will be expecting to read win after win when following Merton in the future.

Polytechnic 5s: 5

Merton 5s: 0

Chiswick is very quickly becoming known as the 5^th teams 2^nd home pitch due to our seemingly constant run of matches being held away from our beloved hood. Another venture away, wading through the onslaught of egg-chasers commuting to nearby Twickenham – one would be mistaken to think that surely a little bit of luck was due to come our way. Unfortunately- you would be mistaken. This week saw a heavily depleted 5s take on a mid-tabled Polytechnic team 3 leagues aloft. With the news of man-flu flooding the ranks, a few new faces stepped up to the challenge of continuing our recent successful form. New faces included Noor, Billy Golding, Dave Golding and Alex Quinn who we are grateful for assisting this week.

After a quick warm-up we were game on with heavy pressure being applied by the lean opposition donning the usual red kit. Within a matter of minutes our defence was tested with Sam continuing his recent superman impressions, flying from one side of the goal to the other, keeping attackers at bay. With only 15 minutes played, disaster struck with the Poly winger running through to the side of goal. Realising he was going into a dead-end he felt a sneeze from our bounding Delman and took a tumble in the box, the whistle blew but not to bring back a review of the dramatics witnessed but to give a penalty. First goal conceded. Not to be disheartened Merton started again but a mistake in midfield led to a quick counter attack to goal number 2. This was swiftly followed by a substitution for Merton as Alex Quinn came off with a strain. Another goal followed to end an unfortunate half. The second half saw the team come out looking to reduce the deficit but the makeshift team for the week was telling as a fourth was conceded, despite Sam’s efforts. Further injuries at the back provided a rare opportunity for Dulanje and Ackers to be partnered as our centre-half pairing with the former forgetting his position and scoring from a set piece. A goal, which had it been at the correct side of the pitch, I’m sure Dulanje would have been proud of. This summarised an unfortunate performance, but we look forward now to making amends as we take on their 8^th team this week.

Team: Sam Singer-Ripley, Delman Babaker, Josh Fitzgerald Smith, Alex Quinn, Dave Golding, Noor Emad, Richard Gibbs, Aaron Ackerman (c), Dwayne Bedford, Aaron Byrne, Dulanje Richards.

Subs: Kevon Bedford, Billy Golding & Anam Hassan.

Merton 5s Match Report 5/11/16

Merton 3 -1 HSBC

As the days draw darker much earlier, a “nip” comes through the air. By “nip” of course i mean a chill in the air, rather than the “delightful” (never a word associated with) naked lee time.

This meant an early kick-off much to the dismay of  Aaron Byrne and Josh, who i’m sure wanted that extra five minutes to snooze.

Nevertheless Saturday means one thing, and one thing only – Matchday.

This week, minor changes were made to the team due to the unavailability of a few and late appearances. With Tom out injured (whom we wish a speedy recovery), Anam given a taste of the 6’s mirth and Darren suffering the woes of Henry VIII, an opportunity arose for a recent addition to the Merton family, Tiago Carvalho. Now before i go further i must dampen any excitement, by stating that this is not the Tiago Carvalho of recent Euro Final success – albeit recruitment this year has been equally successful.

After a lengthy warm up from our tenacious manager, the 5s were ready to go, as not to repeat our last home fixture with an unfortunate result. Our counterparts however did not seem to be at full steam much to our fortune, starting with only 10 men. From the first touch of the ball, the 5s were very much on the front foot with Dulanje looking to drive forward and expose modest defensive line. Much to his misfortune, a string of questionable offside decisions went against our favour. After 15 minutes the deadlock was broken. You’d normally do well to bet on Dulanje or Andy to have caressed the ball into the net, but for a change a Merton journeyman was on the scoresheet. whipping a ball in from the far right Aaron Ackerman opened the scoring with a cross which flummoxed a nervous stand-in ‘keeper. I’m sure time spent with the 4’s last season played a part as we are all familiar with Ed’s “shots” which misdirect everyone, including the man on the ball. All the same, 1-0. The next goal came not long after, but could have been sooner had Dwayne’s shot found the inside of the far post , instead bouncing out to be cleared. A combative performance from the central players in midfield and defence, saw the ball was rolled out to Luke on the left flank who could play a speculative ball for Dwayne to run onto. As he looked up, Dulanje seemed a viable option on his right, but instead noticed the opposition keeper deciding he fancied jogging out towards the middle of the pitch. Perhaps the triangle button was stuck on his controller. This left an open goal for Dwayne to slot into, which unlike at training, he did with ease. 2-0. The final goal came from captain of the day Steve Burchell. A whipped in corner from that man Ackerman looked to be a guaranteed goal for Clive, but was bowled in by our equally bald skipper. 3-0. HSBC looked to come back into the game, as their 11th man turned up, but the whistle blew for half time.

The second half brought a couple of changes with Clive and Tiago coming off for Aaron and Josh. After a case of pinball the ball fell to a HSBC player who duly delivered a goal. I’m sure next week, we’ll help Sam build a cushion for the Golden Gloves award. The phrase “a game of two halves” is commonly overused in our field, but unfortunately for us this certainly was the case. With Dulanje efforts to time his runs being wasted by constant calls of offside which were duly given, HSBC looked to press. This half was not so much the performance we were looking to have given some of the impressive displays so far this season, but we held on to the result and look to learn from this and continue to grow.

Man of the match initially went to Tiago, with 3 votes, while Steve and Clive both received two. By the rule of being in the bar to receive the award the default recipient was our experienced skipper of the day, Steve Burchell. 

Chiswick is fast becoming a home from home for us this year, and we made the long, arduous and at times torturous journey down for the third time this season having taken maximum points from the first 2. We arrived early [apart from this weary match reporter travelling down from Manchester] and were suitably warmed up before the game – slightly worrying was the tired faces after the mildest of exercises but we started quickly nonetheless.

In the early stages of this game we seemed to be set on writing the wrongs of last week and were pressing and defending as a collective. It took around 10 – 15 minutes for us to create our first real chance, with the ball breaking to Andy Bitmead who turned and ran at the defence. As he approached the 18 yard box, he carefully stroked the ball towards goal with his left foot. The ball beat the keeper, but agonisingly for the 5s struck the foot of the post and rebounded perfectly for their defence to clear.

The 5s were immediately on the offensive again though, and the ball was played over the top for Dulanjie to chase. It seemed a lost cause with the defender having such a head-start, and in truth the defender should have had total control of the situation. It seemed he was put off by the whole of their team demanded he put the ball out for a corner; either that or he was in deep contemplation over what to have for dinner later. The houndish Dulanjie sniffing an opportunity managed to catch the defender and swing a long limb around the defender and prod the ball past the keeper. He claims it was a leg, however without video evidence it remains uncertain which limb did make contact – all we know is that the 5s were 1 up and Dulanjie maintains his rich goal scoring form.

Speaking of Rich, he was the next to come close. As a result of some excellent interchange between Rich, Dulanjie and Andy, the ball was laid back to Rich 20 yards from goal. His ferocious effort dipped and swerved but unfortunately, marginally too late to ripple the back of the net. A fine effort though – surely a matter of time!

In fairness to the opposition, they reacted pretty well to going a goal down and got themselves into the game. We defended resolutely in spite of the pressure, limiting them to long range chances that were effortlessly caught by Sam in goal. The one time he was worked meaningfully was when their forward latched on to a through ball, however was met by Sam who was quick off his line and narrowed the angle to make it impossible for the striker to slot it past him. That save was to be the only good save of note that he was forced to make, but he made it comfortably.

Apart from a difficult header for Dulanjie that he narrowly mistimed, the first half ended without much more excitement. The second half saw the 5s defence dominate, leaving Sam in goal redundant – he may as well have brought one of the new “ipad” devices and watched final score whilst chilling with a can of Carlsberg. At the other end, we were continuing to create chances, however they were mostly half chances and we struggled to score the elusive second goal. That is until the final couple of minutes, when Dulanjie picked the ball up just outside the box, turned and rifled a shot that deflected off the defender and beat the hapless keeper to end the game at 2 – 0. Own goal, perhaps? We will give Dulanjie the benefit of the doubt on this one.

And thus the flying 5s soared to a heroic victory off the back of a terribly disappointing result last week. We performed well as a team and most players came off notably exhausted, with Gibbo in particular moving as limply as a cat that had been run over by a double decker bus. Everyone performed well & deserves a pat on the back. The man of the match award though was given to Delman, who was unbelievably solid throughout, outpacing all of their forwards to literally run rings around them. Other performances of note were the remarkably solid Steve and Clive at the back who did not put a step wrong, Dwayne and Aaron whose pace caused Poly’s back line no end of problems, Gibbo who was combative in the centre of midfield with Ackers and Andy getting on the ball and dominating possession, and the impressive Dulanjie who added another 2 to his impressive tally for this season. Well played lads, let’s do our best to take this into the next game.