Author: Matt Haswell

It was a warm, Saturday day, and we arrived to Wimbledon Common Extensions two hours early confident of a good performance & a much needed 3 points to keep us in a strong position for promotion. But this confidence soon turned to confusion, as rumour had it we were employing a 3-5-2 formation [or 5-3-1 – still not too sure]! Ensue panic that hasn’t been seen before since the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962 when the world thought we were entering into nuclear war [I remember those days well]. This was only intensified by the lack of Clive, our motivational speaker who doesn’t fail to jeer us up. Luckily, we were able to get him on loudspeaker, so at least that crisis was averted, but trying to explain each player’s roles was still proving to be difficult. And you thought Brexit negotiations would be difficult Mrs May – just come and try explain to Merton 5s how we’re playing the 3-2-3-1-1 for next week!

Luckily, we had a shepherd to heard the headless sheep, with Dwayne taking up the mantra and being our very own Mourinho for the day. One by one, he went through our roles with us until we all knew what we were doing.

The first 45 minutes was a tight affair, with Merton just about creating the better chances. A ball whipped into the box by the charming & handsome left wing back was only very narrowly missed by the desperate lunge of Gibbo and the long outstretched leg of our defensive midfielder Bambi [they can be forgiven for not expecting a good ball in]! We were winning the right hand side of the pitch too, with Delman, Tigs, Ackers and  Tom combining well to get us up the pitch and start feeding Gibbo and Dulanjie – one of the promising moves resulting in a shot from outside the box from Tigs! He must have seen a dropbear in the distance that put him off because the shot was scuffed and went wide of the goal. The best chance of the half by far, though, was when Dulanjie was put clean through. He raced onto the through ball, leaving defenders trailing in his wake, and approached the goalkeeper. It was a firm strike that was heading into the corner of the goal, however the keeper instinctively stuck a leg out to deflect the ball away from danger. Terrific save and we went in at 0-0.

Dwayninho’s half time team talk was largely positive, and we knew we had to keep the pressure on straightaway. That, we did. We had two great chances not long after the break, and the first fell to Gibbo. Played through, he was 1 on 1 from the keeper from outside the box. He rifled it, however the keeper was well positioned. The rebound fell to him, and he rifled it again – this time a defender had got round to just about deflect the effort over the bar. Unlucky from the big Welshman – it will come I promise!

Not long after, the 5s found ourselves 1-0 up. The lively & energetic Delman burst forward with an aggressive run, and swung a delightful ball into the box. It fooled the keeper who came out to collect but missed it, and hit Dulanjie to bobble into the net. None of us knew what part of his appendage he swung at it – I will leave that for the readers to determine – but whatever part it was he did well to get it up by his head to whack the ball in. A deserved goal for D who had been threatening throughout.

We had a couple of chances to go 2 up; however it just didn’t seem to want to go in for us. Samurai Steve made a great early run into the box and a better ball would have seen him clean through. Dulanjie and Gibbo had a half chance each, however we were largely defending – but defending well. It wouldn’t be a Merton 5s game without at least a couple of injuries, and injuries to Lenners in the first half and myself in the second meant our back 3 [or 5, or 7 depending on what way you look at it] was much-changed. Mike slotted into Centre Back expertly and was doing a gooda job at being Lenners with the exception of shouting a lot and swearing at the ref, Steve was as solid as ever and absolutely nothing was getting past him, and Darren was winning everything in the air. It looked like Delman was tiring after 70 mins, but he still kept somehow going and he defended superbly well when we needed him to. And Dan, who replaced me at left wing back, matched their tricky winger stride for stride despite the unfamiliarity of the position! Tigs was our little Ngolo Kante in the middle with Tom and Steve battling hard to ease the pressure on the defence. Sam had to come to the rescue once or twice, and pulled a couple of good saves out the bag, but it was quite comfortable and we saw out the game with a 1-0 lead.

It wasn’t just the first half – our defence was solid throughout and the clean sheet was very well deserved. Ackers, Dulanjie and Gibbo, as well as Delman on our right, caused real problems for Old Wilsonians with their pace and power, and we could have scored more. Lenners does a brilliant job in there for us and it was a shame to lose him to injury in the first half, and as mentioned the three subs more than proved their worth. MoM was a difficult one due to everyone playing very well, however Tigs was just absolutely everywhere across the midfield, not giving them a sniff. He linked up play well and deserves his MoM award.

Naked Lee Time then ensued, with shirts & appendages swinging all over the place. Is winning really worth that much, I find myself asking? Yes – but just about.

 

Doverhouse vs Merton

Merton ended their poor run of form after a comfortable 3-1 win against Doverhouse. The weather conditions were hard to play in because of the rain and the muddy pitches. However, Marcin managed to score two great goals before the break to put Merton in the driving seat. 

The 5-0 defeat for Doverhouse, last time, already put pressure on them and going 2-0 down in the first 30 minutes didn’t help them. 

Merton knew this was a very important game because if they lost it then the yellows would be facing a big fight to stay up. Therefore they hard to turn up with the right attitude and prove how good they were. Tommy had a relaxed game also due to Dan and Darren’sside being much better defensively.

Although there were 3 goals scored, Merton’sattack still had room for improvement and their midfield had to be worked on. Many chances were missed in the second half and Doverhouse were lucky it wasn’t double figures. Sam made it three with a good finish, cutting in and smashing it past the goalkeeper, bottom left.

Doverhouse got a goal back, down to poor Merton defending, but there was no hope. The weaker team just couldn’t hold onto the ball for long enough and kept giving the ball away.

For both teams there were things to work on and the play could have been better. The win leaves Merton 8th in the league only 2 points behind 6th and with one game in hand. There is hope for the yellows to finish mid-table but with some hard games coming up there is aneed to improve all around. They face Hanworth next week, a vital game that could potentially move them up to 6th.

However it’s all bad for Doverhouse who are definitely relegated to division 2. The pinks are last in the league and 7 points behind second to bottom, Brockham. Doverhouse could get their second win of the season if they beat Brockham on Sunday.

Finally, man of the match was Marcin, the Merton striker who was outstanding and scored 2 fantastic goals.

NAME: Steve Harvey

TEAM: 5s

POSITION: CM

BIRTH DATE: 16/04/1988

BIRTH PLACE: London

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Southbank, Manor Park, Cheam

 

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1.    Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

 

Outside the club I’m a self employed plumber who loves a drink and helping others to fulfill their drinking potential.

 

2. How did you end up at Merton FC?

 

Last year Scott Shew kept mentioning Mertons pre season so I thought I’d come down and see what it was like! Loved pre season, had such a laugh with the boys and enjoyed the orginisation. Haven’t looked back since!

 

3. What was your best moment in your MFC career till now?

 

Beating Actonians 5-2 before Christmas. We lost the first half 0-1 after a lackluster performance. We all got a serious bollocking at half time and we won the 2^nd half 5-1. Amazing closing down and play from the boys!

 

4. If you could play for a professional team, which would be it and why?

 

I’ve got to go with Real Madrid. The Santiago Bernabeu is a monster of a home ground and they play beautiful football with a killer instinct to cap it off!

 

5. Do you have any pre-match rituals or superstitions?

 

No superstitions but pre match rituals are to get in the changing room with the lads, putting some loud music on, singing Dwayne happy birthday and roasting eachother!

 

6. Lastly, share us your goals/expectations for the season.

 

Goals for this season are to help the 5s finish as high as possible. Every game is a cup final from here to secure promotion!

 

 

 

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RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton, or in professional football):

Merton- Delman(The White Kenyan) PL- Kante

Childhood Team: Chelsea

Favourite team in the UK: Chelsea

Favourite team outside the UK: Real Madrid

Childhood Hero: Gianfranco Zola!

Favourite Food: Chinese

Favourite Drink: Jaeger Bomb!

Favourite Band: Cant choose between Steps and Hear’Say

NAME: Daniel Rist

TEAM: Merton 3’s

POSITION: Right Back

BIRTH DATE: 30^th September

BIRTH PLACE: Royal Leamington Spa

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Racing Club Warwick, Southam United and Coventry United

 

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1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

Away from Merton, I work in an Investment Bank for Societe Generale as a Recruiter…it’s really as boring as it sounds!

Away from work, I’ll either be making use of my 50% discount at Dominos, getting drunk after two pints or watching some type of sport.   

 

2. What was most memorable moment in your MFC career till now?

I have a couple:

–      Scoring from the half way line, bar and in….can I still talk about this? The game at this point was pretty much over, so I closed my eyes and took a shot/cross, next thing I knew I had Big Mike jumping on me.

–      Falling asleep in my car while putting my football bag away after the Christmas Party. Waking up at 4.00am after being sick….flipping EG rules!

–      Other than that, it would either be watching Neil Davidson playing centre half (not pretty…) or seeing Vinny getting done for pace and then pretending to be injured.    

 

3. What is your favourite quote?

It’s a tossup between Michael Scott (US Office fans will understand), “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”, or from Merton’s very own Frankie, possibly the angriest man in football! Who on about 6 occasions has shouted, “Get the F**K out the way Ref”, truly unforgettable!

 

4. Tell us something about yourself that most of us at the club probably aren’t aware of…

I’m Dan Rist and I play for the Merton 3’s J

 

5. Ask a friend for a reference and post their response of you – can be a family member, friend or teammate (E.G: “He’s a lovely boy” – Mom)

“He’s pretty much perfect in every way, looks, football, on the pull, everything. He’s my role model; I just wish that one day I grow up exactly like him!” – Glenn Pitmann after a few WKD’s.   

 

6. Lastly, share with us your goals/expectations for the season…

As the season is over we turn our focus to the SAL Spring/Summer Cup. It would be brilliant to get some revenge against some of the teams we lost too. We ended the season on a couple of wins so a continuation of that would be lovely! Love a good cup final….too much to ask for? 

 

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RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton): Dan B – the guy is a beast in the sticks.

Favourite team in the UK: Man UTD

Favourite team outside the UK: Dortmund

Childhood hero: David Beckham

Favourite word: F**k – Sums up every emotion.

Favourite band: Oasis

Favourite food: Anything that’s bad for you. Dominos

Dream job: Karl Pilkington’s best mate.

NAME: Scott Shew

TEAM: 7s

POSITION: Striker

BIRTH DATE: 15/02/88

BIRTH PLACE: St Helier

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Carshalton FC

 

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1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself? I am an estimator for a kitchen company. I would say I am a very caring, a trustworthy person & very honest, if I have a problem with something I’ll make my voice heard just ask my manager Dan he would agree with that lol. I also like to play football when I can and I enjoy spending time with my mates and family when I can.

 

2. What was most memorable moment in your MFC career till now? I would have to say getting my first hat trick this season against South Bank especially when the goal to get the hat trick was from outside the box which hit the bar before going in.

 

3. What is your favourite quote? ‘the more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in battle’

 

4. Tell us something about yourself that most of us at the club probably aren’t aware of… I am actually getting married this Saturday 18^th March.

 

5. Ask a friend for a reference and post their response of you – can be a family member, friend or teammate (E.G: “He’s a lovely boy” – Mom)

 

6. Lastly, share with us your goals/expectations for the season… To hopefully get some more goals and get the top goal scorer for the 7s.

 

 

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RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton): Tom Roberts. He’s a great player and I think you could play him anywhere and he would do a great job.

Favourite team in the UK: Man Utd

Favourite team outside the UK: PSV

Childhood hero: David Beckham

Favourite word:

Favourite band: Boyz ii Men

Favourite food: KFC with my good mate Malcolm

Dream job: I don’t really have a dream job to be honest.

NAME: Andrew Holder Ross

TEAM: 2s

POSITION: Centre midfield

BIRTH DATE: 7^th June 1991

BIRTH PLACE: Teddington

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Various in Asia

 

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1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

 

A chilled out entertainer.

 

I live in tranquil Stockwell with four other people, above an Eritrean café/crime syndicate headquarters.

 

I work for a brand strategy consultancy. Don’t ask me to explain what that means. It is fun.

 

2. What was most memorable moment in your MFC career till now?

 

Seeing Ben Cook get sent off for attacking an opponent was quite magical. When you have heard so many stories, it’s a rare thing that the reality lives up to your expectations. A genuinely moving moment for all who witnessed it. 

 

I also enjoyed scoring my first ever goal for the club, with my back/shoulder.

 

3. What is your favourite quote?

 

“People see me and see the suit, but they know I’m rock and roll through and through. You know ‘Live fast, die young’? Not my way. Live fast, sure. Too bloody fast sometimes! But die young? Nah, die old.”

 

4. Tell us something about yourself that most of us at the club probably aren’t aware of…

 

I lived in Asia for six years, from 8-14. It’s the reason why I am able to get along with people of all cultures – eg Mike Todt (African) and Jordan (Scouse)

 

5. Ask a friend for a reference and post their response of you – can be a family member, friend or teammate (E.G: “He’s a lovely boy” – Mom)

 

Courtesy of my dear friend and housemate Mike Stone:

“What Andrew Holder De Rossi lacks in stamina, speed, aerial threat, desire, tactical awareness, physical prowess, experience, finishing, passing, and the ability to last more than 60 minutes without cramps, he more than makes up for with his knack of scoring with his back. God bless AHR.”

 

6. Lastly, share with us your goals/expectations for the season…

You can use this for next season too if you want:

1. To score with my feet
2. To gain promotion with the 2s

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RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton):

Alan Clowes

 

Favourite team in the UK:

Manchester United

 

Favourite team outside the UK:

Brooklyn Nets (a basketball team)

 

Childhood hero:

David Beckham

 

Favourite word:

Loquacious

 

Favourite band:

An impossible question (check ‘em out they’re great)

 

Favourite food:

Dim Sum

 

Dream job:

Brand strategy consultant

NAME: Dave Scott
TEAM: 2s
POSITION: Centre Midfield
BIRTH DATE: 14/10/89
BIRTH PLACE: Croydon
PREVIOUS CLUBS: Chipstead, Coulsdon Athletic, Coulsdon FC

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1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself? Professionally I’m a Commercial Manager for an interior fit-out contractor in London. Most evenings I’ll either be trying to do something in the gym or playing 5 a side. If we don’t have a game on Saturday I’ll normally try to get a ticket at Selhurst Park or hack at a few balls on the golf range. I’m also really into my trance music.

2. What was most memorable moment in your MFC career till now? There’s been a few. Scoring 2 goals in a game earlier in the season and winning MOTD stands out. Also, avoiding DQ’s post-match spoon in my pint all season seems to be a growing achievement…….

3. What is your favourite quote? Arnold Schwarzenegger – “you can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets”

4. Tell us something about yourself that most of us at the club probably aren’t aware of…I have a high IQ and I went to Wilson’s school (Old Wilsonians), but I choose to play for Merton!

5. Ask a friend for a reference and post their response of you – can be a family member, friend or teammate – “I wish you loved me as much as you love football” – Girlfriend

6. Lastly, share with us your goals/expectations for the season…Our Merton season is pretty much finished with not a lot apart from pride to really play for. I’ve had a few injuries this season so keeping fit in the next 6 months and hitting the ground running next year is a personal goal.

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RAPID FIRE:
Player of the season (at Merton): Tough one. Connor Murphy and Paul Pearce haven’t done much wrong all season. Connor just nicks it as he normally picks me out on a long throw.
Favourite team in the UK: Crystal Palace
Favourite team outside the UK: I only follow one team.
Childhood hero: Attilio Lombardo / Arnold Schwarzenegger
Favourite word: Not sure I have one, sorry. Do people really have one of these??
Favourite band: Above and Beyond
Favourite food: Indian
Dream job: I’m writing this while in work, so I guess not working. I could happily play golf 5 times a week and not get bored.

NAME: Tom Rowe

TEAM: 1s

POSITION: Striker

BIRTH DATE: 24/09/91

BIRTH PLACE: Wimbledon

PREVIOUS CLUBS: Rosslyn Park Rugby Football Club 😉

 

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1. Tell us who you are outside of the club. What do you do, how would you describe yourself?

Refreshingly laid back for a man with such responsibility.

 

2. What was most memorable moment in your MFC career till now?

Probably one of the several 30 yarders I’ve scored over the years. Surprisingly and much to my team mates annoyance, I’ve missed more from those efforts than I’ve scored.

 

3. What is your favourite quote?

There goes Tom Rowe, I must remember to thank him..

4. Tell us something about yourself that most of us at the club probably aren’t aware of…

I have done some acting – got type cast with all the Hugh Grant roles

 

5. Ask a friend for a reference and post their response of you – can be a family member, friend or teammate (E.G: “He’s a lovely boy” – Mom)

Tom is probably the best employee I’ve ever had. In fact I will give him that bonus I promised him. ‘Line Manager’

 

6. Lastly, share with us your goals/expectations for the season…

I think it would be great to make a cup final. I couldn’t make the last one, think we lost narrowly… the two aren’t linked but winning this time would be great, especially for all of the Dads.

 

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RAPID FIRE:

Player of the season (at Merton): Siraj. He’s been angry for a lot of season, but I think he’s been a fantastic addition to the squad and his performances must have made up at least 5/6 points for us. We’ve had a lot of new comers this season which has been great and a bit overdue. I’m hoping they stay or at least remember us when they’re all famous

Favourite team in the UK: Man Utd

Favourite team outside the UK: anyone playing good football / beating Chelsea

Childhood hero: Eric Cantona

Favourite word: n/a (Gladkow 2017)

Favourite band: would like to see Oasis live

Favourite food: contrary to popular belief of late (and rightly so), Something healthy

Dream job: being Woody’s boss

Merton Fc VS Hampton Rangers

 

Our line up (GK) Milo (CB) Jack and Nikoy (LB) McKenzie (RB) Alfie (CDM) Daniel (RM) Kieron (LM) Kadeem (CAM) Evan (ST) Justin and Marcus. First half we had kick off we were playing well as were the opposition. We had a few shots off and we were passing and defending well, the conditions were not the best, it was a bit rainy and muddy but we all had to get used to it.

 

Evan scored the first goal assisted by McKenzie on the left side. He curled it a little bit and their keeper could not reach it, 1-0 to Merton.

 

They started paying a route one. A very nice cross coming from goal fell to one of Hampton’s players who ran through our defence, Jack was the last man but couldn’t foul him or he would be sent off so the opposition got a goal, 1-1. They were passing the ball down the left side and trying to get the crosses in but Alfie was doing well to stop them, Kadeem had a couple of chances for the cross but couldn’t make them, whistle blows, first half over.

 

 Both teams had a talk and the game recommenced, second half Hampton’s kick off. We weren’t passing as well as before and Hampton were pushing a lot. But we were on the break and passing magically, we got a shot off but it got blocked, the ball fell to Evan who yet again scored a great goal just in front of the half way line, 2-1 to Merton. Hampton were really trying at this point and eventually scored a goal via route one, a good goal 2-2.

 

Both teams needed a goal to win, we tried really hard but Hampton came out on top scoring another goal by running straight through our defence and skimmed our goalie and scored, 2-3. We really needed a goal here so we made some subs: Isaac came on for Justin at (ST) Hugo came on for Kadeem at (RM) Freddie came on for Alfie at (RB) and Theo came on for Evan at (CAM).

 

Hampton had another run but were unintentionally fouled by Freddie, free kick to them. The free kick didn’t go in so Merton still had a chance with 10 minuets left to score. Isaac got the ball and ran but there was a hand ball so the ref blew the whistle but he couldn’t hear it and carried on running and everybody told me to stop so he did and had a laugh, Kieron then ran down the right and tried a cross which led to a corner for Merton. Theo took the corner as usual but scuffed it, unlucky, but all was not over!

 

Merton on the break again, the ball was passed to Hampton’s defence and they tried to clear it but failed, in comes Marcus, he runs through what was left in their defence and scored a very nice goal leading to a 3-3 score line.

 

Hampton try to get the goal but the whistle was blown and the match ended 3-3. Everyone was happy, it was a very nice game and it was very even sided, everybody shook hands at the end and all was merry, well done everyone!

 

By Isaac Tossio (striker)

   

Civil Service 8 v Merton 7s Match 1

 

With only 1 win in 6 you would expect the 7s to be a bit down… however, the chat was more to put on a show and start to get some sort of form back starting with a double header against a good CS side. With a squad of 17, game day started with John pulling out with an ankle injury and taking up a roll on the side line as Merton’s very own cheerleader, without the pom poms, or much cheering… !

Starting with a 4-4-2. Darren stepping in between the sticks (our 4^th goalie in as many games), the game started with Civil straight on the attack, pushing back the Merton midfield with some neat passing, Darcy playing in the midfield alongside David, soon got to grip with things and manged to break up play and create a few half chances for Dennis to run on to, who was holding up play well for Dylan on the overlap. However, Civil got the best over the opening exchanges and on the 10 minute mark there seem to be a flash point between there volatile striker who was ‘putting it about’ to say the least, and the 7s captain. With the striker seemingly trying to leave a late ‘shoulder’ on the old fella in the middle, he was rather surprised to bounce off and end up in a heap on the floor with a torn shirt to boot!

After an exchange of a few choice words and the young whippersnapper being put back in his box, the game resumed with Merton getting the better chances, Darcy once again pulling the strings in the middle, releasing the wingers down the flanks, slotted Malcolm in with just a player to beat managed to get into the 18 yard box and power his shot against the advancing goalkeeper, this could turn into a good day

However, on the 25minute mark and after a few self-inflicted mistakes, Civil managed to break the dead lock on a long ball through which up to this point, Darren seemed to be unbeatable, had no chance with the striker having a clean strike on goal

Half time, a few changes to freshen up the squad, Merton Started quickly and moved the ball around the midfield looking for a an opportunity to release the strikers, once again there was a coming together between there striker and the 7s captain in an aerial battle that was only going to be one winner, which the ref also agreed on

Merton was now having the best of the game, settled and passing the ball around well, Dennis once again causing Civil all sorts of problems, snapping at the heels of the midfield and defences, not giving them time on the ball, managed to create his self a great half chance, only to see the ball come off the crossbar, the resulting rebound being well cleared.

Try as we might, time run out and the game finished in a hard fought defeat, a draw maybe a fairer result, but we all know the game likes to kick you while you’re down.

 

 

MOTM: Split between Darren, Darcy, Dennis and David (So being the only 7s player, David)

DOTD: Andrew… by his own words, ‘a day to forget!

 

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Match Report

Civil Service 8 v Merton 7s Match 2

 

Now, with our record of not starting well after half time, who knows how we would react to a second game, this came apparent soon after the ending of the first game, looking spent and with over half the team sitting on the floor, it was going to be hard to motivate the team for the second game, in contrast, Civil was having a good team talk, clapping and rallying the troops, clearly far more up for the game than Merton

It did not take long for Civil to breach the rear guard, finally there striker decided to play a bit of football as opposed to gobbing off and trying to muscle himself around, ghosted pass the 7s midfield and was now having the freedom of the pitch.

Ripped apart, the game was all but over with only 30 minutes played, 6-0 down and with no real answer, the team had given it there all in the first game and completed folded in the second. This was without doubt the worse half the 7s have played all season.

Play for a bit pride was the cry at half time, with a further reshuffle, the 7s dragged themselves back on the pitch and looked to contain the damage that was already done. Darcy back on for the now spent David, seemed to galvanise the team and manged to get Noor released down the left wing on several occasions, and with Noor revelling in his battle with the oppositions number 6, got the better of him with a neat control and snap shot which just cleared the cross bar. With 15 minutes to play, Noor was having the better of the battle with his adversary and once again managed to skip round a challenge and get a great shot off, only to see it hit the side netting.

With the clock ticking down, Civil manged to put the game to bed with 2 quick finishes, with the full time whistle blown, it was a contrast on days, the first game was a close fought game, but the second be best left on the pitch and never spoken about again, expect for Noor, who seemed to have got a second wind and took the game to them.

 

MOTM: Noor, great show in the second half, expect to see him step up in the remaining games  

DOTD: Team 7s

 

 

Team:

Darren, Scott, Tom R, Dan, Martin, Adam, Darcy, David ©, Andrew, Dennis, Dylan, Noor, Malcolm, Tom J, Anam, John, D